I just need to vent a little bit. Sometimes its better to talk to people you don't know in real life.
Anyways i'm in 11th grade now, since the 8th grade I've had a crush on this girl that goes to church with me. On countless occasions I've told her that I like her only to get crushed in the end. The moment I saw her i knew instantly that i liked her but in the 8th grade I liked girls only because they were pretty. I didn't know what an actual serious relationship was at the time.
Well let me just get to the point no one wants to hear a giant backstory on how i actually feel but it all starts a year ago on July 10th, 2014, the day i told her i truly and deeply liked her. I know some of you might saw "wow that's super creepy" and some would be, "oh that's cute that you remember that." Last summer after that we start "talking", everything is going great we go on a date, grow closer to each other. All of sudden she just stops talking to me. I got done dirty. I have no closure on what happened whatsoever. This past November I wrote her a letter since I have a terrible social anxiety when it comes to talking about my feelings to a person/persons. so I write this letter just pouring my heart out to her into this. Editing props to my best friend in real life krisstory . I never said it but it was hinted multiple times that I loved her (still do.) I don't give it to her till January of 2015 because I never grew a pair until then to give it to her. She reads it. I already know what the answer is but I just had to hear it from her. My heart was ripped out and I'm just devastated. The only person that helped me through that really personally was Kris. Now we advance all the way to last week.
So my youth group goes onto this huge mission trip to the Dominican Republic. She goes too. There is no awkwardness between us because we are just really good friends. I'm disconnected from the group the entire week when we aren't working with the kids. I go to my thoughts and just there's so much I want to say to her about what has happened the past year, just needing closure on what happened to us. Thursday we had a heart to heart talk. She felt pretty bad about what she did to me because she just left me hanging. Before we started talking she had gotten out of a really long relationship and the timing just wasn't right for us to work out. So she makes it extremely clear that we are just friends. Friday night was the 1 year anniversary of when i told her i liked her. I also remember the time it happened because that day means something to me and i'm super sentimental. She texts me exactly on the time. I think its a coincidence but at the same time there is no possible way it could be a coincidence. I don't say anything about it to her.
So Saturday rolls around which is the day we are coming back to the states. No awkwardness between us since Thursday. We get on a plane flight to Miami and we sit by each other, super close i'm practically on top of the armrest listening to music with her and playing games on her Ipod. We land in Miami have a layover to get on a flight to Dallas. Sit with each other again same thing but this time she goes "I give"...I'm confused AF on whats happening only to realize she grabbed my hand. We hold hands for the rest of the flight. So since Saturday we FaceTime every night for about 5 hours at a time, one night about 8 hours and we leave it on all night so we wake up to each other.
Anyway we went on a date last night. It went great. On the way back to her house i know something is off and whenever i get back to my house i ask whats wrong. She goes just thinking about stuff. Then finally she says that its nothing ive done she wanted to give me a chance again since last time she just left me hanging. She said she didn't feel anything than friends, didn't want to hurt her friend, but she lead me the hell on...again. played with my emotions again. Did everything she did to me last time just didn't leave me hanging. I got done dirty again. After i spoke my mind i was like there's more but it will just make this a lot worse than it already is. She told me i was doing great (talking about stuff feelings wise with someone) and to keep going. She got what she asked for. I poured my heart out again for the who knows which time. summary of the message was that she was the most beautiful girl and meant the world to me. That i felt so much for her but not in a sexual way like most guys do for any girl. She was different. That there is just something about her that i can't figure out that just keeps drawing me back to her. I finally said the words to her that i hinted so much...I told her I loved her. Yes i know we never dated but ive never felt so much for a person before even in past relationships i never felt the way i do for her.
I honestly don't know what to do. No two people can talk for hours on end with no moment where the conversation is quiet in those 5-8 hour facetime talks and not feel anything. No one just holds your hand and falls asleep on you and not feel anything. I haven't talked to her since and i want to so bad. I can't take this being lead on and being just ditched in the end. She means the world to me and idk why its so hard to get over her. ive tried countless amounts of times to. Help me please. idk what to do.
I just needed to tell someone. I'm sorry i made this so long. once i get into my feelings it just pours out and i write a book. thank you for your time
-Be'la, The Waffle King
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I thought this was real for a second and almost mailed you
