I've been writing this blog for quite some time now. I have moved passed all the crying and sadness. Dont read this if you don't want to or if you think this is for attention. This is just to let anyone who wants to know, know. And to start off, no this is not fake. And no, this is not a plea for help.
I've made a lot of mistakes. Over the past few months I have been having depression and last week, it turned into suicidal thoughts. I was ready to kill myself until a user on this site changed that. Only two people care about me and I care about them. At this point those two users know who they are. The fact is, I have no friends irl, nor a life. And I have a few family members that would be sad about this.
I made so many mistakes over the last week. The first was telling people I was suicidal. It turned my best friends against me. People I cared about most, people on this site and others that I cherished in my life. I wanted to make my peace with them and in doing so, they turned against me, and hated me for doing so. I realize now that no one truly cares about me and the few people I care about are slipping away because of how I feel.
Emotions and feelings are so wrong. At least mine are. I don't like feeling love or hate, or fear or anxiety. Compassion and caring has turned into sorrow and sadness. That shouldn't be the way life works. That is the biggest reason for this. It's because the only way to get rid of my feelings are to destroy my body.
I may not be the most well known person on tengaged, nor the most known depressed person. No one really gives two shits about what happens. Now that saddens me. Do I wish people cared? Sometimes yes. But it makes this decision so easy. I am so happy in knowing that I will have no more pain. No more worries. No more feelings or emotions, and no one can hate me.
If you have made it to this part, congrats. I honestly blame no one but myself for how I feel. Yes I may feel certain things about certain people that I have met but it is my feelings that have hurt me, not the way everyone else feels about me. I find peace in knowing that I leave nothing behind. Not being able to hurt anyone. And I am okay with that.
If I could have one wish, it would be to have people smile for me. I feel like I have hurt those I love most and I am sure you know who you are.
As for this site, this is obviously my final day.
TL;DR. None of the above is important. As it is about me, and I am going to be gone, thus it is meaningless.
I'm happy you didn't go through with it! I know we aren't friends or know each other well at all (i'm Osiris) but I have a friend who went through similar problems and it pained me just to listen to the things she was saying about herself. No one deserves to feel that way, ever.
