I lost my virginity at 13 but didn't have my first orgasm until 19, and then it was through solitary masturbation, not sex, and the first time I had attempted masturbating, had no idea how to even start before that. At the time I was dating an alcoholic, and I fantasized about him drinking a lot while masturbating. Of course I enjoyed the orgasm but felt weird having thought about something not even related to sex to achieve it. I tried looking at porn and thinking about all kinds of sex-related stuff but never could come close to an orgasm again for quite awhile, until I again started thinking about an alcoholic drinking.
For the next several years I only masturbated rarely, because I still didn't really know how to do it very well and the things I had to think about to have an orgasm disturbed me. Eventually I got over the embarrassment and confusion enough to masturbate regularly and started being able to have mind-blowing orgasms, and series of them to the point I'd be exhausted afterward. I still only ever did it alone though, because if someone were having sex with me it distracted me too much from what I needed to focus on. I've had sex with, well, way too many people (had wild partying years in my teens and 20s, have calmed way down with only several additional sex partners since then, in my early 40s now) and on a very few occasions have been able to masturbate and orgasm during sex, while thinking about something completely different than what was actually going on. I haven't told any of my sex partners what it takes for me to have an orgasm, only that it's difficult, all in my head and if I don't have one it's absolutely not their fault. I have told a few people online, only after they begged to know and promised they wouldn't think it was weird, but then without exception they did either think it was weird and/or didn't understand it at all.
So I'll try to explain here. It's not just alcoholics/drinking, though that remains one of my favorite fantasies to use for orgasms. It seems to be an "addiction" fetish. I can think about a wide variety of substances and behaviors which are harmful in excess and can be addictive. It's not a turn on to me if the person I'm fantasizing about can control their behavior, only if they can't, and especially if they repeatedly try and fail to stop or cut down, and if it seriously disrupts their lives and health, though I've never fantasized about anyone dying of addiction/overdose. I have tried many drugs, been addicted to a few but was able to break the habits. Now I only drink rarely, use prescription pills to relax and get high occasionally and marijuana regularly, for which I have a medical card. Interestingly, I have never been able to have an orgasm thinking about marijuana "abuse" I think because I don't think of it as a potentially harmful drug, or at least not harmful enough. I can think about myself or other people using drugs I've never even tried though, like heroin, and have orgasms that way. Though I'm heterosexual, my orgasm fantasies can involve just me, me and another person or just another person/other people who can be male or female, though I have no desire for any sexual relation with another female. I'd like to stay single forever actually, especially since I'm only really attracted to people who are addicted to something and messing their lives up over it which doesn't make for a good relationship outside of sex.
The closest things I've found online to what turns me on are feeder/feedee/weight gain/food addiction scenarios, and some people, again almost all male, are turned on by drunk people though with them it seems to be related to being able to more easily take advantage of them or have sex with someone who's passed out which I'm not into. I don't think about sex at all to have orgasms, only substance abuse and addiction. I used to frequent feeder/feedee sites but was ostracized since I'm not overweight or wanting to gain, just the idea of it turns me on. Also those people, the women mostly, were bothered that I'm turned on by the loss of control and detrimental aspects of weight gain, while they like to pretend it's all positive, beautiful and practically risk-free.
So yeah, I'm a sicko and stuff. I'd love to be able to find other people online who more fully share my type of fantasies but so far no luck, keeping me pretty confident that I am the only person or one of very few with this particular fetish.
