http://tinypic.com/view.php?pic=2cr63hw&s=8#.U1YhyVVdX2Y (for how this is a comedy look picture it on my fat ass.

*walks out*
So I know what your thinking OH MY GOD A BIG GURL NOOOOOOOOOOO. First off I'm not big I'm fat the difference big 14-16, OK fat 36-38, and second I'm a guy. Even out of drag I get mistaken worse place was in a hospital by a nurse who asked me with a straight face and my chart right in front of her when my last menstrual cycle is. I looked her straight in the eyes and said nine months ago. Then I gave birth. So being a fat person and I do mean fat I have four shops I can go to for clothes all online. So when I'm out shopping and I see something I like I always do the same thing first I do a happy dance then become the fastest person you'll ever meet. I then snatch it, and if I even think I see someone grabbing for the same thing as me I will shank them. Then wash the blood off wear it with pride, then apologize to my mom for stabbing her. I know I should probably lose weight but I really don't care I mean if God wanted me to be skinny he would have made me anorexic. Besides it's fate I mean my mom's a moving truck and my dad's fucking Jupiter. Side note that red spot is not a storm it's a hemorrhoid, trust I had to rub the ointment on it. So growing up I lived with my grandparents who are the quintessential old married couple. I don't mean the Oh I love you so much honey here's your tea. No I mean *acts like slamming down a drink* WHAT. That kind OK and they fought about everything like He forgot the trash she's alive, he forgot something at the store she's alive, he'll stomp on her toes she's alive, you get my drift these two people shouldn't have been together in the first place let alone procreate but they were together 54 years. Then later on my aunt moved in we called her Aunt Cranky because long story short she's not a morning noon or night person, but let me tell you she has OCD. She does and she won't admit it like ever. We could be like *in calm tone* Cranky you have OCD, and she'll be like *gets on floor acts like I'm cleaning* NO I DON'T  *to self* out out damn spot. *gets up* Thank you all for letting me be me telling y'all about my crazy life and making it to where I don't need to go to a psychiatrist.

*walks on the stage ready to perform*

Confessional:
So it's my turn to perform and I am so freaking nervous, I just hope I don't fuck this up, god I got to do better then last week

Avi: http://i58.tinypic.com/29eg95w.jpg

*steps up to the mic*

HEY HEY HEY EVERYONE, now I know what your thinking a broke arse black girl but I'm gonna reassure you all now......I always all your wallets and car keys so you better like me and I might consider giving them back but be warned ive got a team helping me, I'm here to steal your valuables, giraffez is here to steal your food *looks at giraffez* she might even steal your fridge and Latex will kill with her looks *carefully looks at her* DAMN, didnt realise the grim reaper had such a bad hair line.

Now if you haven't guessed by my runway look....I'm good times poor, Tavyie just loves to critique me for having the best runway looks or the most polish look but the only reason I do it is because I want to give Dida Ritz and Joslyn Fox hope that they aren't busted, but Tavyie knows to be nice to me today cause I steal her wallet first *pulls out a wallet* be nice bitch not I'm going to Bora Bora. Now just before I continue I just wanna get something off my chest to the other queens.......now everyone always reads miss Rehab for being a whore but it's all lies because when she opens her legs all you here is ppfffffffffff which is why her theme song is Like A Virgin, she needs to start spring cleaning down there.....badly

Now I should probably talked about my friends and family, well the only funny person in my family is my grandmother, she is just an old hag....she's dead but still a great lady, she always have 20 cigarettes a day and drink half a bottle of wine a day...and my parents why I'm such a mess I spent too much time with granny, but my nan was remarkable though, the doctor once said she had the lungs of someone 20 years her age, I stood up walked towards and said "are you sue your a doctor have you seen how many fags she is smoking" my grandmother have two fags in her hand goes *in an old person voice* "and people say I'm the stupid one".

Before I finish I just want to speak about my friend, he's Spanish so brace yourself. So me and my Spanish friend were sitting down at a cafe shop and we were having a conversation which I struggled with anyways because I spoke worse then Yara Sofia with a lipse, but anyways during the conversation he says "I really wanna start embracing my Spanish heritage" so I told him to wait there, I came back, gave her a towel and spray and told her to go knock on a door and go *in a Spanish voice* "hello housekeeping"

He fully you guys enjoy the rest of the show and don't worry your stuff me and the other queens will decide what we will give back, but I will warn you now giraffez probably will keep your fridges so after this I will send you all on your way to ikea, THANK YOU GOODNIGHT!

http://i.imgur.com/edLQkW2.png -Avi
Hello hello Hello All you Gorgeous people *winks* Now as you can see I put a lot of work into this... I got all my supplies from that dollar store you passed coming here xo.

So im going to tell you all this story about me and my friend Shanika. We were talking and I asked her what she though of my look cause you know shes like my good friend Bianca Del Rio. Upfront and doesn't give a fuck what you think about her but can have the biggest heart.. I know touching But for real shes a Huge Bitch.. But anyway I asked her if i Looked Sickening or Fucked up... She told me that i'm to fishy and that i need to dress up more. *does an alyssa edward face* Now me being very sensitive and thinking im like Beyonce or someone responded back saying Bitch! Fishy is my look like fuck if i wanna swim in the pacific Ocean with Gia Gunn then so be it just lemme do me.. She understood me after she called me a huge bitch.. which I did not deny Y'all know I am the HBIC are y'all feelin me? Cause im feelin myself *feels self* and i am feeling good gurl. I feel as good as Rupaul did when she took Alyssa Edwards to the New Now Next Awards cause she knows how to turn down a party if you know what I mean.
   Another Story comes from my not to long ago *whispers sorta long* Childhood. I grew up in Lancaster, Pennsylvania which was not so bad i mean i got free food from my parents farm and i had tons of people i could talk to..The farm animals always seemed so interested in me.. But anyway I always knew i was a star. I performed for my parents.. The Farm animals.. even for my pet rock Ronald! They all loved me and thats when i knew that I wanted to be a star.. But who knew I would end up here? On this drag race with Rupaul and Michelle Visage!!?! Two Famous Drag Queens on one Judging Panel i mean I love it.. Wait im forgetting someone.. OH the Not so memorable Santino Rice!! Everyone say hey Santino Ok enough of him.. *fixes my afro* But anyways Long story short i went to a drag bar.. got dared to do Drag.. You dont even wanna know what I looked like *gets out picture of a busted Queen at a bar* I have no shame i looked terrible.. But i made it out and see i mean my eyebrows look better today right.... Ok guess i need some tips from Ben DelaCreme JOKES love that crazy guy!
Alright you guys thats all I have I know you want me to stay divas but remember like my old friend Adore Delano says....PARTY See Ya folks I hope you all had an amazing time here and watch out for the rest of these queens cause there sickening if you know what i mean ;) *walks of*

Avi: http://i.imgur.com/ihphV95.png

*Grabs Mic*
Well hello everyone! It's a surprise to be here! I was drugged and dragged here inside a sack, usually the sack is inside me, but anyway... they gave me only 1 instruction: "Be   Funny" so I'm like: FUCK!
Tayvie didn't warned me which kind of people would be here,  so... as we are low on
budget, I assume you guys were the randomly picked ones in the street,
condragulations, you're all little Milans! Some of you are probably wondering:
"Dat bitch needs 2 work on her tits size, shit's bigger than her head"
Well I'm sorry, i don't like it flat, like the queens other jokes! Sorry girls, i have to pick a target,  and since you girls are pretty easy to see...

So here's a little story:
When I was in the doctor, The doctor that answered me was named Paolo,I'd rather "Polla" but i'm fine with Paolo! Mexicans, Spanish people and some who access spanish porn sites will get that! wink, wink! I couldn't understand him but his body language spoke for itself...
For example: When he was about to put some Botox in my face, he started doing
stabbing movementes and pointing to my face *pause* It was so hot *looks up, disapointed* Why didn't I marry him? Or even tried?
Anyway, turns out he misunderstood when I said: "Make me look like a Barbie, arriba" Well now?
There is more plastic in my face than there is in one Barbie Doll!

I'm pretty sure that when I die, and the world decides to not use plastic in that much quantity, they will cut my face and
use it to ship amazon products with safety. I'm not complaining, and nor should the people receiving the product. They will have their
dildos, barbies and fuzzy handcuffs, by the way, this is my will: *Pulls out little piece of paper* It's scented! *Long sniff* RuPaul Glamazon!
*wink* Ca-ham... *Starts reading* "Please, use my face only to ship dildos, barbies and fuzzy handcuffs, tyvm xoxo, Latex" It will be expensive as hell too! The face of the first tengaged's next drag superstar is expensive!

Thank you guys so much! Amazing audience, beautiful peop... *stop*
Wait a second... You guys can't tip right?
*slowly walks to my seat taking backwards steps*

*Confessional*
I know I did pretty well in this challenge, most likely is that i'm top 3, maybe I won... who knows?
The nervosism is gone once I stepped into that stage. Weeeerk!

*confessional*
I don't know why these queens all seem to think Mexicans are so funny.

http://i.imgur.com/ObAMEf9.png My look

*Waddles to the mic clutching my gown*

I'm not even sure why I should be doing this. I could not even perform and still be leagues ahead of half the queens that already performed.
Let's get started anyways though. In my life I've handled a few broom handles or two in my cooka. If you wanted to know my name origins. As for the Van Pelt.

Well honey when I perform I skin the other bitches alive. They fear me, and they should. They don't know what the fuck is wrong or even right with me. I'm just some crazy Europen penis thug with unsatiable bloodlust for victory.
Besides the fact that I am competing against queens who can't even assemble drag tengaged avatars (a travesty I know) the fact they are genuinely laughing at their dry humored unoriginal Hispanic themed jokes is quite frightening.
It's bad humor, poor taste, and just blander than their personalities. When you become a drag queen you need a personality. I feel like I'm just competing against a bunch of cross dressers and not drag queens.

Grow a set, a personality, and write some new innovative material before you think you're even light years close to me. Thank you all!

Confessional:
I'm sorry but that wasnt a read, that wasnt a joke, that was just being plain rude to everyone else in the competetion, who made you think your better then everyone else.....ignorant bitch and I thought Gia Gunn was already eliminated, guess someone else has filled her boots

http://prntscr.com/3cu15s

Tehehe hi ladies! *snorts*
Sorry I'm late, I just got back from a real time sesh with one of my slaves.. he's so annoying, but his money isn't!
Yeah, it's hard work controlling slaves 24/7, but don't worry! I'm busy with other stuff too.
Between making internet cash and keeping my panties away from my little brother, I can't stay bored!
Wait, these were supposed to be jokes? I just told my life story... ;_;

Here are my reads, since I've already screwed up half of my gig!

Broomhead, you're annoying and I've met bread that could create better looks than yours...
Chyna... who?
Diane... you're a hot mess hunnnnnn.
Giraffez, I made better looks than yours in 3rd grade.
Latex, I'm glad the show isn't ableist and let you on the show!
Ophelia, hun... you need to GET IT TOGETHER. YOU'RE LIKE MY HARRY POTTER BOOKS. OLD AND DEPRESSING.
Rehab... who?
Seraphine... who?
Tiffany, are you white trash and in trouble?????????????

http://gyazo.com/86093fcd57f2b954622447d1da913c12
*walks on stage carrying award prop*

GOOD EVENING CLEVELAND!!!! Oh...wait, this isn't cleveland? I was wondering why y'all didn't look so trashy! haha. Anyways, I'm so glad to be here tonight with you guys! I have so much to tell you all. First of all, let me tell you about doctors. Who here absolutely hates doctors? .....I don't. I LOVE doctors. They are so helpful! For example, I went to the doctors a while back and I was just so panicked. I went in to my Doctor's office and yelled at him, "DOCTOR DOCTOR MY WHOLE BODY HURTS!". He immediately stood up and looked at me with a look of confusion and replied, "Okay well first of all let's test some things out."

So we did. He told me to touch my elbow and I yelped in pain. Then I touched my knee and screamed.  Finally, he asked me to touch my stomach and as I did so he asked me a question. He asked, "Are you a natural brunette?"  I was shocked and replied with, "No, I'm not! How'd you know?" He nodded his head and shooed me out of his office and on the way out he said, "That explains it. You're body doesn't hurt. You're just a blonde with a broken finger."

Doctors, they get you every time! Anyways, while we're talking about doctors. Doctors do a lot. They heal you, they perform surgery, and they give birth. Now, don't get me wrong, I like children, I do! At least, I like them when they're in school and I can be at home drinking a little bit of Captain Morgan's or if I'm feeling trashy, a mango-rita or two! But anyways, when I was a child, I used to be so sneaky. So let me tell you this story that happened to me once.

This boss of a big company that my father worked for needed to call him
about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. So he dialed my home phone number and he was greeted with the child whisper of a "Hello?"

I guess he kind of felt a bit put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a
youngster, the boss asked, "Is your daddy home?"

"Yes," I whispered in a small voice.

"May I talk with him?" he asked.

To his surprise, I whispered, "No."

Wanting to talk with an adult, he asked, "Is your mommy
there?"

"Yes," I responded.

"May I talk with her?"

Again I whispered, "No."

I guess he knew it wasn't possible for a young child such as myself to be left alone so he thought maybe I'm with someone like a babysitter.

"Is there any one there besides you?" He asked me.

"Yes," I whispered, "a policeman."

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, he asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"

"No, he is busy," I whispered.

"Busy doing what?" He asked confused.

"Talking to daddy and mommy and the fireman," I whispered.

Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a
helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, 
"What is that noise?"

"A hello-copper," I continued whispering.

"What is going on there?" He asked, now alarmed.

Just then with awe in my voice I whispered an answer, "The search team
just landed the hello-copper!"

Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated the boss
asked, "The search team?! Why are they there?"

Still whispering, I replied along with a muffled
giggle, "They are looking for me!"

ALRIGHT, good night everybody! It's been such a pleasure doing this with all of you! Have a great night!

http://prntscr.com/3cur5l

C'mon studio audience! Let's get sick'niiiiiiiiiiiiiingggggg!
Now for all you "straight folk" out there, sick'ning is a gay term that describes something really cool and fierce. It doesn't actually mean it will make you sick, or at least, I hope my jokes won't. But in case you do get sick, or are feeling sick from some of those other performances we had to sit through, the bathroom also happens to be the same room as Miss Seraphine's dressing room, so don't be afraid to go puke your guts out in there. Honestly with all the makeup she has laying around in there, you won't be able to tell the difference.

Okay, now it's time for a real joke. *points to random man in audience and starts laughing*
Wooh, that one was a real knee-slapper.

How many of y'all have ever been to a drag show? Well, at drag shows, people usually give the entertainers tips while they are performing, and I just wanted to clear the air in case any of you are confused about the tipping situation here. I LOVE to accept tips, so don't be afraid to pass up your money to me. No, seriously, give me your money. This drag doesn't come cheap.

Alright, you guys have been a great audience! I hope you have a great night, but really how is anyone gonna beat my performance? *mwah mwah*

Hello 'audience'.

I hope you can appreciate the hard work and effort it takes to put on some female trishy skin and wrtie something 'funny' so thanks.

Well since every other bitch has put you to sleep I might as well bitch about them because they to have nodded off in their boring shows.

Well I have had a bad time in this competition incase you haven't seen. Bottom 2 last time round. So hopefull you can just laugh at my hair and I get through because I am not a funny bitch.

The only 'funny' thing about being in the contest is the thought of Giraffez having to lip sync to wrecking ball. Well lets say the moves are there.

Now this a last minute gag so I will just throw out some horrible jokes. Don't laugh too much.

Yo Mama is so fat, her ass has it's own congressman.
Yo' Mama's hair is so full of dandruff, when she shook her head, the principal called a snow day
Yo daddy is so bald, when he wears a turtleneck he looks like a broken condom.

Thankyou Halloween for being inspiration to the past jokes. I don't know what you are so I said Mother and Father.

You need some Rehab, BYE
http://i58.tinypic.com/smdfye.png

http://i.imgur.com/dHzjQbM.png

Making it just in time.

Honestly, I didn't know if I was even gonna show up here 2night. This competition and its stupid judging have been very triggering to me. I believe the expectation here is to read the other queens, which I'm not doing for 2 reasons: (1) barely any of the other queens have either so I can't be in too much trouble and (2) they all kind of run together, anyway. It's all a bunch of phony bullshit in the workroom. These people think they have drag aesthetic because they stole a Gemma sweater from shops.

But I'm here anyway, so what the fuck. Tayvie, you're a racial-appropriating hawk-nosed tainted judge and you're flat as fuck in your blog pic.