Today, we are joined by a fabulous panel of celebrities(?), and extra special guest, and previous SNATCH GAME winner, Heather Lockwood!

*Heather picks her nose*

Great!  Lets meet today's contestants!

Nikki Grahame (Juxta Pose) http://i.imgur.com/8OgTQ5R.png
        “I'm feeling very venomous and angry that I had to take time out of my day to be here with you lot, but a paycheck is a paycheck.”

Kris Jenner (Rosa) http://i.imgur.com/UQbQiRH.png
        “Hi I’m Kris Jenner and I’m popular.”

Iyanla Vanzant (Ethel Esther) http://i.imgur.com/nd3n31H.png
        “Ahhhh! Hello, beautiful, strong women! Remember to stay united, and don’t let a penis penetrate your happiness!”

Danielle Murphree (Veronica Veleno) http://i.imgur.com/3EF7Jnj.png 
        “Hey Ru! Sorry if I’m a lil’ nervous. Haven’t been near a gay guy since Jenncity.”

Miss Mario (Salmonella) http://i.imgur.com/n4n2IUX.png
        “Thank gawd I am the prettiest one here! That’s right, sweetie. Yew heard me.”

Julie Chen (Yaya Solo) http://i.imgur.com/l7EcYeX.png 
        “Straight from the studios of CBS, it's the Chebot herself, Julie Chen!”

Melanie Martinez (Royal Flush) http://i.imgur.com/ICFOlLO.png
        “Hiiii Ru!!! Thank you so much for inviting me, no one in my preschool class ever invites me anywhere :(”

Paris Hilton (Claire Skies) http://i.imgur.com/gn6giol.gif 
        “Hi Ru, it’s sooo great to be here. We have so much in common actually, with our reality shows and music careers. We’re hot.”

Raven Symoné (Glycerin) http://i.imgur.com/2czGpiE.png
        “Proud AMERICAN and lover of PEOPLE and ALL CULTURES. Yes, I was the "Oh Snap!" girl, and No, I will not do it for you. and NO, I am not leaving The View!”

Aubrey Plaza (Tula Vers) http://i.imgur.com/UlWNP7X.png 
        “My name is Aubrey Plaza and my mom thought I had a brain tumor but actually it's just my personality.”

SNATCH GAME!! WOOOOOOOOOO!!!! SHUT UP

What a crowd.  Lets get started, shall we?  Our first question...

Nasty Naomi is SO nasty, that when she answers the phone, she BLANKS. Heather, you answered?

'Heather: She farts and flies out the window'

Interesting.  Panel?

Nikki: I said she moans into the phone, moans so loud that it gives me a headache actually. I have a headache right now speaking of it, where’s my fucking bottled water? I NEED my bottled water if I’m going to be dealing with this shit gameshow for half an hour. Oh GOD, someone please remove me from this AGONY. I CAN’T FUCKING TAKE THIS MUCH LONGER.

Kris: Gave me an ear infection. I just hope it only lasts as long as Kim's marriage.

Iyanla: I’m so sorry, RuNik, but today, I must take the reigns on this question and break all of the rules to give Miss… ‘Nasty’ Naomi a life lesson. Now, instead of an answer I drew this picture. http://sketchtoy.com/67006860 In the circle lies all of Naomi’s nastiness, bitterness, and failures. The arrow represents Naomi’s happiness and success. The X represents Tyra Bank’s scalp and nonexistent edges. Now unless Naomi can learn to ignore her phone and look at the scalp in front of HER and WALK in her TRUTH… she will never accumulate any rollover minutes or have a successful syndicated modeling reality show, and snatch Tyra’s follicles and that’s the truth baby.

Danielle: I ain’t allowed near any telephonos on account of the restaint order Shane handed me on accident. I still ain’t allowed in the city of Vermant :(
Ru: Vermont’s a state
Danielle: No… Ain’t estates houses???

Miss Mario: She spits all over the receiver. Yew know she got so many diseases that shit needs to be bleached. The only thing more infected than her is miss coke nose on the judgin panel with me. But anyway... she tawks so much she gets ha saliva all ova the place, like a dog with a flat face on a hot day. She looks like one tew. That's life when yew tubby, bitch.

Julie: She backstabs every single member of her alliance... But First, here's a clip of her taking a shit in the sink. Will it affect her game?

Melanie: Well Ru, I would tell you what Naomi does when she answers the phone but SHE NEVER ANSWERS MY CALLS. I call and call and call to ask her if she remembers what Mrs. June’s homework was or if she wants to play dollies, but she never answers

Paris: Well Ru…. that depends, which one?
Ru: Which what?
Paris: Which phone?
Ru: Her cell phone
Paris: yeah… which one?
Ru: Let’s say Naomi only has one cell phone, Paris
Paris: Oh… that’s hot. Naomi is nasty because she only has that phone. I cracked the code, Ru.

Raven: She gives "black" women a bad name, assuming this is the right one. There is a reason I don't know my African roots and this is why.

Aubrey: She tells the make a wish foundation to cancel her subscription just so she can say "fuck the kids" and not go to jail for it.
Ru: "This is just... so dark"
I was inspired by my father's cellar.

How odd, no matches.  Next question...

Beautiful Betty is SO beautiful, that when she looks in the mirror, she BLANKS.

'Heather: She calls in sick to work'

What an awful answer!  Panel?

Nikki: RuKola, I said Well fucking la di da, who the fuck cares? I only care about my own beauty, which by the way is groundbreaking both inside and out. Quite honestly I couldn’t care less about her or her beauty, especially considering I don’t know who she even is.

Kris: Poses for her new insta. Although she doesn't have 12.9m followers does she, maybe she needs needs a new #momager

Iyanla: Beauty. *Taps long, yellowed witch-doctor fingernails across the table* What is beauty? When a woman walks in her truth, and lays all her cards out the table, and is free to be herself, THAT is when she is beautiful. So I did just that. I wrote nothing and now my cards are on the table.
http://sketchtoy.com/67007107
http://sketchtoy.com/67007119
http://sketchtoy.com/67007121
See how easy that was? Your truth, is something no one can take away from you baby girl.

Danielle: Teehee, I’m pretty beautiful too! She should do what I do in the mirror! Here, I brawt an albem :P http://i.imgur.com/kIVb8gd.png

Miss Mario: She KNOWS she looks kyewt, gurl! She's really giving you femme, she's giving you bawdy... I gotta know though... is she trans? I don't mean that in a bad way, but her face is a little manly. Yew could take some lessons from ha soft beat miss Vers! Lookin like yew smeared all kinds of white, dark, and motha's milk chocolate on yo face. Anyways... consider my scalp snatched, sweetie.

Julie: Well, if Betty is anything like me she starts to cry. I dread just the THOUGHT of looking in the mirror before every Big Brother episode. I told Les to fire my shit stylist ages ago! I don't know how he does it, but every damn episode he manages to put me in something that perfectly frames my camel-toe.

Melanie: Betty is so so so so so pretty. When she looks in the mirror she sees me sitting in the corner looking at her and crying because im so ugly and no boy ever wants to be with me while shes pretty and every boy wants her. And then she says im weird and to stop staring at her and tells the teacher and I get sent to the naughty corner. And I start crying I am in tears.

Paris: Wait a minute… I thought Betty was Ugly? I never watched that show. Now I’m guessing that the final episode was… about how Sky Ferreira was actually beautiful all along? That’s hot.

Raven: See, now, I am not "gay", because we should all love each other and not label ourselves, because labels are expensive and too constricting. She is so beautiful that she sees herself, that is all there is to it...but what is her number?

Aubrey: Beautiful Betty is SO beautiful, that when she looks in the mirror, she forgets to visit her dying mother. Then she dies by a blood cottage caused from stress and life is a pointless never ending spectrum of rotting corpses and narcissism.

I didn't even listen to any of the answers!  Next question...

Scary Soraya is SO scary, that she keeps a fully loaded BLANK in her purse.

'Heather: Box top'

Fantastic!  Panel?

Nikki: BOWL OF CORN FLAKES. Soraya is so fucking selfish and I can feel the venom pouring out of me as I BREATHE just thinking about that two faced FUCK.

Rosa: Lelo Soraya. I'm not judging though, we used to have one in the house as well. Of course it was Caitlyn's though.

Iyanla: As a woman, I think that it is so important to lift each other up, instead of breaking us down. Miss Soraya, you are not SCARY. You have all the good ingredients of a woman. Since Oprah didn’t feed me after she let me out of my cage, I’m a little hungry, so I’m gonna compare you to food I *dramatically points at self* love. You’re spicy like cheddar cheese, smooth like butter, and I’ll admit, a little sour like sour cream. But sweetheart, that’s what makes you a woman walking in your TRUTH. So, RuNik, I just wrote she keeps a fully loaded http://sketchtoy.com/67009308

Danielle: Uh… I…. uhhh… *whispers to Salmonella* What do I do Dan?!

Miss Mario: She keeps a fully loaded bottle of relaxer in ha purse. Sometimes ha edges sure get spewky, I can tell ya that. Giving me... well... I don't wanna say slavery, but... southern... bad wig... teas. If she ain't glue that shit down her weave looks like it's hangin on ta some real thick pubes. And her carpet matches those drapes tew. Do she know about Nair? Has she heard of Venus?

Julie: She keeps a fully loaded contract termination in her purse! That's what I personally carry around. That's just one of the many perks of having the boss as your baby daddy. If anyone tries to cross me, I can send their ass packing. Feel free to ask Leah Remini and Holly Robinson Peete more about that topic!

Melanie: Soraya is my babysitter. She can be really scary. In her purse I found a cellphone with my daddy’s phone number. I get really scared cause if I do something bad she’ll message him and he’ll give both of us spankies!!! Just like I read in her messages. Just kidding I can’t read cause I’m a baby. I’m crying now cause I can’t read ;(

Paris: Well Ru… I used to always keep Tinkerbell in my purse, rest in peace Tink.  Anyways, I answered Tinkerbell because my friends say that I’m crazy… So stay tuned for Paris Hilton’s My New BFF season 3. It’ll be hot.

Raven: A fully loaded order to change her name! Now, I am not a "racist", because we are all americans here, but how does she expect to get hired with that name? See, It just ain't gonna happen, I'm not gonna hire you! A "white" hand might help her too, I'M JUST SAYING.

Aubrey: She keeps a fully loaded ripped arm from a little girl named Debbie in her purse.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Not Debbie.

*The producers tell me to hurry it up* Next question...

Crazy Cher is SO crazy, she ends her tours with BLANK.

'Heather: A bus'

Me and you both, Heather.  Panel?

Nikki: Well how the hell should I know? I don’t even KNOW of her, WHO IS SHE? WHO IS SHE??? She clearly doesn’t end her tours with anything interesting, I’ll tell you that much.

Kris: A few shots of botox. Can you believe than Cher is not that much older than me? No you can't , because my surgeries were actually successful.

Iyanla: Why is it that these women have to be horrible things such as nasty, scary, or crazy. Why is it that people will believe these lies about women walking in their truth over the naked truth? So I’m going to change the question, thank you. Cherished Cher is SO cherished, she ends her tours with (shows the panel the card) http://sketchtoy.com/67009437 a picture is worth a thousand words, so I decided to draw what she ended her tours with. Her fans love her body, because that’s her truth. Her naked truth. Go ahead Miss Cher.

Danielle, with half her Shane head in her mouth: Croutans?
Ru: I’m sorry that’s wrong
Danielle: *points at Salmonella crying* You lied agen Dan!!!

Miss Mario: She ends her tours with like four encores. Ain't yew 100 years old and tired, gurl? It must be harder for ha to breathe than when someone asks miss Glycerin to do sum exercise. The audience could ask me for an encore and I'd come out on stage just to wave them out! Get out tubbies! No more songs the concert is OVA! Bye trash! Bye skanks!

Julie: Cher is so crazy, she ends her tours by getting herself an older, rich husband! Me and her have that in common. Every woman should get herself an older, rich husband! You wouldn't believe how much it skyrockets your career!

Melanie: Cher is sooooo crazy. Whenever she tours the playground she always ends with hanging on the monkey bars. Its so crazy cause all the boys go under the monkey bars and look up her skirt! Sometimes she’s not even wearing her diapies. Its even crazier when she lets the boys touch her behind the bushes, shes gonna get cooties ewwwwww! >:)

Paris: Crazy Chair is so crazy…
Ru: It’s Cher
Paris: Share
Ru: Cher
Paris ok… she shares all her money with the audience. She really is crazy… that’s hot.

Raven: Oh, I'm sorry, I thought this was MY interview? I guess she is just SO much more important than me. If you wanna talk about her, GO AND TALK TO HER.  *gets out of seat*
*runs over to Mario* Did you see her practically HIT ME? To get an Interview with CHER?...Like Excuse me, I am RIGHT here...

Aubrey: She ends her tours with a video advertising her new summer camp program. The jews don't come back though.

Finally, our last question...

Klutzy Kellie is SO klutzy, that when she tries to apply lashes, she BLANK.

'Heather: I'm back'

Yes you are.  Panel?

Nikki: Sticks them in her eyeball like the FUCKING IMBECILE SHE IS. What a FUCKING idiot. But can you blame her? It’s so FUCKING COLD her arm was probably shivering too much for her to aim properly.

Kris: She fLASHES everyone, get it? fLASHES?! I love myself.

Iyanla: Kellie, you are not clutzy. Applying things to your life is hard, much like applying the realization that Forever 21 has all of your money, or the fact that you might never get your GED and you will be in your room forever. So I wrote when she tried to apply lashes, she http://sketchtoy.com/67009479
*turns her body towards the panel, smiling*
*violent brings her hand down on the table*
NOT ON MY WATCH! NOT ON MY WATCH WILL ANOTHER WOMAN PUT ON HER LASHES. BECAUSE IF SHE’LL DO IT TO HER SHE’LL DO IT TO ME AND HOW CAN I BE A WOMAN IN MY TRUTH WITH LASHES ON. *Places a new wig on her scalp* http://img.prntscr.com/img?url=http://i.imgur.com/eSiEKkc.png
I HAVE MANY TIMES IN MY LIFE YELLED AT A GIRL LIKE THIS. WHEN OPRAH YELLS LIKE THIS IT’S BECAUSE SHE OWNS ME. I WAS ROOTING FOR YOU, WE WERE ALL ROOTING FOR YOU! HOW DARE YOU! LEARN SOMETHING FROM THIS! WHEN YOU GO TO BED AT NIGHT, YOU LAY THERE IN YOUR TRUTH AND YOU TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOURSELF BECAUSE NOBODY’S GONNA TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR THOSE LASHES. YOU’RE ROLLING YOUR EYES AND YOU ACT LIKE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’VE HEARD IT ALL BEFORE. YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT KENNEL OPRAH PUTS ME IN AT NIGHT, YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I’VE BEEN THROUGH BUT I’M NOT A VICTIM; I GREW FROM IT AND I WALKED IN MY NAKED TRUTH IN THAT KENNEL AND I LEARNED TO ROLL OVER. TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOUR TRUTH!

Danielle: I dunno but Janelle always had shit makeup too. I’dnt’ve to nawm her if people just stawpped saying she’s prettier than me just becuz she’s prettier than me.

Miss Mario: She looks a god damn mess! I mean, the rest of ha outfit is awlright, and ha face ain't bad, but it ain't anything close to good! She reminds me of an abstract painting. That is, she looks like a confusing mess from all angles. Yew know what... I lied. It's bad, sweetie. Fix it.

Julie: Kellie is so klutzy, that when she tries to apply lashes, in a SHOCKING twist, she applies them to her vagina! That's sure going to be damaging to her gameplay!

Melanie: I remember Kellie was the only person who invited me to her sleepover. But she was soooo klutzy when she put on her mommy’s lashes that it looked like her eyes were SPIDERS. I was so scared and was crying and screaming and I tried to save her by hitting the spiders on her face. But then she started yelling and calling me a freak and then my mommy picked me up and hit me and I keep crying cause im in pain and I HAVE NO fRIENDS. I was just trying to save her im so alone and sad.

Paris: I’m sorry Ru I didn’t have time to write anything down… I dropped my pen.

Raven: I hear a lot about lashes from Whoopi. She told me about this thing called "slavery" and people got lashes of sorts? A lot of, pardon me, "black" (sp?) people were really hurt by it? I don't know about-...  *Mario has bopped Raven and she cannot complete this answer*

Aubrey: She misses and the lashes hit crash into a building. Kind of like how bush did 9/11.
Ru: "Thank you for sharing all that."
Aubrey: If you have sex with me I can continue to share things with you.