Black Cena gets his rightful Push! BE A *

Eugene vs Cody in a barber shop match
Eugene goes after the wrong kind of hair a shaves off Codys pubes, Cody takes advantage of this and punches, kicks and turkey slaps Eugene with his moustache and shaves off his remaining hair.

Hawkins vs Ryder for the JS Title
absolutely nobody is paying attention to this jobber match apart from a few aspies screaming woo woo woo. Ryder is closing in for the win after a massive 2 minute match, Hawkins reverses the Rough Ryder into a dick punch and the ref doesn't even care and counts the win for him.
Hawkins retains the title

London and Kendrick vs Mexicools
Mexicools don't even show up to the match because they're cleaning the toilets and smoking a joint backstage
London and Kendrick retain

Rey vs Gabriel vs Khali vs Clay vs Christian in an ultimate x match, winner faces whoever in the world champ on the next show for the title
Rey runs around 619ing everyone minus the 1 and doesn't even use the ropes, he climbs up the cables at the top of the ring but khali chops him off of it. Clay gets up and jumps on top of Khali and does a dance using all 74 of his rolls. Clay climbs the cables and almost reaches the X but the cable snaps! he falls down and dies I think, probably just a bit hurt though, what's this? a stupid looking man just ran in from the crowd and took the X that fell down, he wins! Informants tell me this mans name is Jack Semenator

IC Title
Truth vs Kidd in a chicken catching contest
The match is held outside in a chicken cage with a total of 68 chickens inside of it, Truth is prepared as he comes down eating a family sized KFC bucket and sipping some koolade, putting the koolade in his pants for later enjoyment. The competitors are neck and neck in the chicken catching contest, throwing a few punches at each other and the chickens from times to time. Truth whips out his koolade and splashes Kidd with it, Kidd isn't pac enough and falls to the ground screaming. R Truth gets the remaining chickens.
Truth retains

WWE Title
Bryan vs Ziggler vs Punk
Punk is the greatest in the world so he wins the title and stuff. Semenator comes down to the ring and bashes Punk with the X. After Punk is out cold Jack goes balls deep screaming about how he will be the new champion.

and yes, he finished.