I feel so sick right now. And not the kind of sick you get from a virus or bacteria. I mean the kind of sick you get from being pissed off at someone. And that someone is my own mother. I've tried and tried to put up with her garbage, but finally I just snapped. The fact is, my mother is a homophobic, racist woman who hides behind God and religion as a defense, and refuses to listen to reason or accept any other views. If you disagree, she hits you, yells at you, stops talking to you for days on end, and so on and so forth.
I was watching Survivor San Juan Del Sur tonight, and (as she's been doing the whole time) my mother starts making rude and hateful comments when Josh and Reed were kissing each other. I point out that Jon and Jacklyn pretty much do it all the time, too, so who cares? I try to just ignore it, but then every single time one or the other was on-screen, she would make very tasteless comments like:
"It's making me gag."
"Ew! It's just sending chills up my back."
"It's wrong. God doesn't approve of that. It's gross, sick and wrong."
"I can't stand them. If I was on there, I'd vote them out, too."
That pretty much did it. I snapped and told her that if she dared to make herself look like a homophobic woman on national TV, she would be getting a hell of a lot more hate than people patting her on the back. She didn't seem to care. She kept bringing religion into it and saying a bunch of garbage. Look, I'm a Christian as well, but it's utterly ridiculous to let that blind you from the truth and let it pretty much shield your better judgment. Yes, you're allowed to have an opinion and voice it. That's Freedom Of Speech. But you better not expect a lot of people to agree with you or like what you're saying.
I keep pointing out that Josh, himself, is a Christian (he said so in one episode), so he knows what I'm talking about. My mother's response? "Well, Josh is a fake; people can say they're Christians but they're really not." I mean...are you serious? Yes, that COULD be true, but why would he just say that randomly if he wasn't? Again, ignorance on my mother's part. But no matter what I say or how I argue, she just never listens. She screams over my argument, tells me off, threatens me, and does a lot more. Including things like "I GAVE YOU BIRTH! YOU LISTEN TO ME!" and "YOU MUST BE GAY TOO IF YOU SUPPORT THEM!" and "IT'S WRONG! YOU'RE NO CHRISTIAN. GOD DOESN'T LIKE GAYS!" and other bogus nonsense. It was making me sick listening to her.
Oh yeah, I said she was a racist, too. Well, she pretty much is. Whenever a black person and a white person are together, she'll get sickened by it and say that it's wrong and you shouldn't mix colors, and God only wants you to stick with your own color. She pretty much was hating on Natalie, too, defending it by saying "she's cocky". Uh...Natalie is cocky? No, she isn't. You're just hiding behind the fact you're racist.
I kept fighting and fighting, defending my views and saying the truth: God doesn't care what you are. He made every single human being in HIS image. Everyone is equal, regardless of their race, gender, or sexuality. But it was going in one ear and out the other. I couldn't take it. I snapped, and screamed at both her and her stupid boyfriend sitting nearby to SHUT UP! Naturally, this was not the right move. She went right back to the whole "YOU DON'T TELL YOUR MOTHER WHO GAVE YOU BIRTH TO SHUT UP! YOU'RE MENTAL! YOU MUST BE GAY! YOU'RE SICK IN THE HEAD!" And I just went to my room and started to cry.
I'm not crying because what she says is true; I'm pansexual, meaning I accept everyone, regardless of gender, based on what kind of person they are on the inside. I'm crying because I hate my own mother...at least her views. It's just...it hurts so bad. I'm living with someone who is so sick and twisted and I can't say anything about it without being attacked (like I showed above). I get it, she was born in 1956, so naturally her views became a part of her back when the world was still...well, you get the idea. But that doesn't make it okay for her to say such garbage. I'm so hurt that my own mother is pretty much using religion and saying such mean, hateful things. I love everyone, in the sense that I like everyone being equal, and having such bigotry and homophobic behavior in my own house...I hate it.
I just want to die. Do you all see why now I've tried to kill myself several times? Besides the bullying the Survivor Fail Characters group has done to me (regardless if they don't think it was bullying), and all the hate I get from other people on other sites, I have to deal with having no job or school due to my depression illness, I have no money, I have no real life friends, I have a hateful mother with such disgusting views that it makes me sick to my stomach...why should I keep living in this world where it's clearly not made for me? I'm not perfect, by any stretch of the imagination, but I like to think my views are the correct ones. For the most part. And when there's so many horrible people out there...I don't want to live in it.
Why I can't die, I don't know. It hurts. I'm so alone. I cry all the time. I hate my life and everything in it.
Awww, just read the whole blog. I'm really sorry you have a mom who is that way. At least you didn't end up like her. It shows you're an intelligent person. Hang in there. :/
I'm sorry :( being christian isn't about hating people if they sin against God, it is about showing them love and support and forgiveness just like Jesus does
I can understand why that could cause a lot of stress and pain. In a situation like that, I could see how you could become depressed. I'm sorry that you have to deal with that. I wish I knew what I could say that would help. For now all I can do is hope and pray that you will meet someone very soon, someone who can help you out of that situation and get you to a better place. Don't give up hope. I know those words may sound hollow and empty since you have heard them all before, but I mean it. I sincerely hope that you get to a better situation in life, one away from toxic, abusive people who will only hurt you due to their stubborn views, despite how much you may care for them. You are strong to have made it this far, and I know that you can make it a little farther. Good luck
