So I have basically been using he/him pronouns my whole life but recently I began thinking about using they/them. I have been unsure about it so I talked to two of my friends, Seb & Nik, about the change and then decided to quietly change my pronouns on everything to he/they.
Originally I did not want it to be some big deal but I did begin to get questions so I do want to use the moment to educate and explain my motivations to the best of my ability.
I do not feel as if being male/masculine is that integral to my identity as a whole, so it feels nice to have a gender neutral alternative. I recently filmed a video for something in which I stated that I used both he/him and they/them and it did feel very nice and validating.
Let it be known that I still consider myself to be a cis person so that is where this second dimension of the change comes in. Me using he/they allows for the usage of singular they/them pronouns to be normalized. This hopefully helps out those that use exclusively they/them or perhaps some form of neopronouns (such as nonbinary individuals). Singular they/them pronouns date back to like the 14th century but there is a lot of misinformation attempting to disregard and invalidate them as grammatically incorrect. In this small way, perhaps I can help normalize their usage.
I don't really have a preference between the two, so use whichever with me. I got a message from my sister saying that she would be sure to switch between them. If you have any further questions, do not hesitate to reach out.
if you are familiar with this place called my tengaged blog, then you know that every once in awhile i find myself typing up a hashtag serious blog about where i am at mentally and what i am struggling with. basically, this is that. so if ya don't want too much info about my silly little head then i would stop reading now.
also TW for discussion of body image and suicide and likely some other stuff
//QUARANTINE//
ok so i believe i had to reference this in past blogs but there was a point last year when we first hit lockdown that i found myself at my absolute lowest point. i found myself laying in my room and not talking to anybody and legit having my parents go days without even seeing me. i did not really contemplate suicide during this time because i was not really alive. i was in limbo. i existed at the most minimal state that one can be without being in a coma or something. i have made progress and i have grown since but how i was during this time certainly sticks with me.
//BIRTHDAYS//
this kind of ties into both my 20th birthday (which happened pre-quarantine) and my most recent birthday. my birthday is in february and i feel very weird when it comes because of my birth mom and kind of how i really do find myself blaming myself for, as the first born, being the direct cause of her post partum depression. on my 20th, i found myself very set on the idea of not existing anymore. i did not go through with eve an attempt but i found myself constantly hitting myself and picking at my hair (trichotillomania).
//GRIEF//
a maternal figure of mine was hospitalized and passed away shortly after. she was only 51. it devastated me. she was someone who supported my art and who put clothes on my back when all of my clothes were worn out. she fed me when my family had nothing left. i spent many thanksgivings with them because my house does not always have enough to eat. when she was in the hospital i found myself staying up for days at a time. sometimes i would just be laying and listening to music she introduced me to. sometimes i would be writing and recording poems for her. the poem below was written and record on some such night between 4-5 am.
//MARCH//
this past march, primarily the beginning, kicked my ass. those that are close to me know the series of events that kind of sent spiraling at the top of march. i made some mistakes and looked like an ass and found myself once again with thoughts of just not being around anymore. there is this bridge within walking distance of a family-owned café that i like and there are railroad tracks down below. this bridge became something i was somewhat fixated on.
//DREAD//
i do not feel as if i am going to live to see 30. i just absolutely cannot imagine it. through exam stress and summer stress, i found myself once again fixated on the bridge. my stutter was also particularly bad for about a week or two. i was also kind of ghosted by someone who claimed to care about me and seemed to really like me and all that jazz. i was just not having the best of times.
//PROGRESS//
i am much better at the moment and that is what i want the takeaway for this blog to be. i am going into this summer with two jobs i really love and i am taking summer classes as well. i am getting ready to host S2 of an ORG with my amazing prod team. i am someone who is deeply insecure about my body but i bought a TANKTOP the other day to wear during summer. i hate my scrawniness but i am trying to get over that and just love myself for who i am. comparisons will fucking kill me if i let them. none of this is easy. i am trying to see myself as someone who deserving of good things. below is a poem i wrote somewhat recently which serves as a series of affirmations. i hope that it helps you :)
"GOOD THINGS": an original poem
Repeat after me:
I am someone who deserves good things.
You deserve the patience that you afford others,
You deserve to have unproductive, restful days.
You deserve that cup of coffee or tea or water,
You deserve that stop at your favorite local café.
You deserve to be loved as much as you love,
You deserve forgiveness and grace and mercy.
You deserve to feel secure in what you are doing,
You deserve for your dreams to be understood.
You are someone deserving of good things.
//AFTER//
i am around if anyone needs someone to listen and maybe struggles with some of these same things. i am open because i know that it is hard to be this open about these things.
i'll give u a song from one of my many playlists uwu (and u can comment a certain vibe u want and i will try my absolute best!) Kentuckyy: "Highway Queen" by Nikki Lane PaulaDeen: "Press Restart" by WALK THE MOON Bvance1212: "Smithereens" by Twenty One Pilots hellocat: "Canyon Moon" by Harry Styles Maxi1234: "Monument" by Mutemath Boots22: "Ghosts" by Mike Shinoda harrywasnak: "Uh-Oh, Love Comes to Town" by Talking Heads Snuffie: "Cat" by Relient K Robynn: "Dancer" by Daddy's Beemer cbasscordero: "Wait for Me (Reprise)" from Hadestown franzella: "In Case You Don't Live Forever" by Ben Platt abstractjay: "Stay Alive" by Jose Gonzalez hamburgerbunzz: "If The House Burns Down Tonight" by Switchfoot ZacPed: "Hate That You Know Me" by Bleachers lhooper902976: "The Weekend" by Modern Baseball pinkiepie512: "Good Grief" by Hayley Williams Kyoko: "If You Believe Me" by Relient K petethepuppy: "Pontiac (Acoustic)" by Mat Kearney kevinlord190: "Something Changed In You Along the Way" by Mogli the Iceburg joshbb17: "Barrytown" by Steely Dan
