i havent even thought about how i wanna say this, so im just going to type; spologies if the english is fucked up.
tengaged, originally, was an escape for me, like it is for so many others, in a time of my life where i couldnt deal with what was actually going on. i was battling with accepting my sexuality, and i used tengaged to focus all my thoughts and efforts elsewhere, rather than dealing with real issue. Thankfully being on tengaged help me through that stage, with the great friends i made, and has helped me to be in the better place that i am in today.
i left tengaged in august 2010, and have recently returned with many people asking what made me come back. i guess it is time for me to escape again.
i was a dating a man from mid last year til late last year, not an overly long time, but we fell hard for each other. he is one of the most caring, sweet, energetic, funny, kind, interesting, exciting, genuine, charming, etc man ive ever met, i would say my feelings for him would be the closest ive ever been to love. then in november last year he disappeared from my life. he had to move interstate to "be with his mum coz she was sick" and told me not to wait for him, and could never give me a definite anser on whether he was coming back. i eventually talk this to mean he wanted to leave me but just didnt have the guts to say it to my face, so i deleted all contact with him, until now.
a month ago he contacted me to tell me he has 6-9months to live. he was diagnosed with stomach of the cancer in the novemeber, and that was why he left, he didnt want to put me through all this and watch him suffer. but now knowing he isnt going to survive, he has recontacted me. he was quite sick when we were dating, and had stomach ulcers which the doctor said may eventuate into something more serious, but i never put the two together.
the thing is he still won't let me be with him the way i want to be. he has put up a shield and i don;t know what to do. i don't want to push so much it annoys, and i want to respect his wishes. but on the other hand this is the man i think i could love and i wanna spend as much time together as we possibly can, and since that time is limited it seems even more vital that we really do.
i am torn tengaged, and dunno even why i am telling you this. i cry myself to sleep most nights because i just feel stuck, i don't know what to do anymore, my friends have no idea what to say to me because lets face it, what other 21 years olds often go through this scenario. there's no way that i can move on with my life whilst he is still alive, and whilst he is still alive i have all this feelings that he is not allowing me to fulfill. i was hoping maybe someone here may have had to deal with someone trying to push them away when they most needed them? :(
im just sad and needed to get things off my chest, if you actually read this it means alot. i pray noone ever goes through this
you don't have the time to build relationships with people. if they don't already know you then basically you're fucked. It's not like the old times when you would form alliances, build trust, and try and place doubt in the minds of others if you were on the outer. i miss old tengaged where people generally wanted to get to know each other, without already having a premade of 5 in the game.
i take the friendships i make on here too seriously, and it hurts when you hafta nom one of your friends, and it hurts even more when one of them fucks you over.
jake, glad i was a good enough friend to allign myself with you, to call out jason on your behalf, incorrectly accuse sandizzle on your behalf, to nom monty when you asked me to even though I didnt want to, and to vote brooke out instead of you even though I absolutely adore that girl.
Congrats on your win, I hope a first place was worth the friendship
