This is it! The one you've all been waiting for! With more twists than a game of Bop It!
We had just bumped into Stephen French, known around the Mersey as "The Devil" simply because he was so hellish. He had just announced to us there and then that he was indeed a bad man and had killed Keith Richards, so you can understand why Sam & I were afraid.
"Fiddle me doo, fiddle me dee. A riddle for you, and a riddle for me." chimed Frenchy as he danced about with a violin on his neck in true Alexander Rybak fashion. Even though he snapped a bowstring, the tune continued to play as if by magic.
"Sorry lads, wasn't being malicious there. But Keithy boy there was leading you into a trap" said Frenchy, and we realized he was here to help. Sam Lowton begun uncontrollably crying. He pulled Stephen's trouser leg up and began running the hairs on his leg across his lips and nose, and enjoyed every last bit.
"Don't mind him ;p" I said. "He's been through alot."
Stephen told us that we had to move, NOW. So we moved. And moved. And moved. He told us to follow his lead which we did, but he wasn't leading us out of Netherley via the shortcut which I would have liked, we were instead using the regular route out. "What's the meaning of this?", I asked.
"We're just making a short stop at M&S. They have a penny bazaar on. I want my five cans of retro drink" replied Frenchy.
We arrived at Marks & Spencers and it obviously wasn't a safe place to be. Thousands of people were queued outside wanting their penny items, it was such a rawkus croud. I saw my Kenyan coworker, Jabba, raise a triumphant hand in the air as she emerged from the store with a bag of retro confectionery in hand. She had honestly succeeded.
The crowd obviously didn't faze Stephen. "Here's one I learned from Jim Davidson ;)" he said with a wink as he barged right through the crowd and demanded his retro drink. But.. a challenger approaches! It was only Stephen's arch enemy. Stuart "Car Boot" Cooper.
Cooper never misses a chance at a bargain, and you bet he was here at the penny bazaar trying to pick up a few low cost tea towels. It beats the hustle and bustle of a Sunday morning car boot, after all. And he wasn't having any of Stephen's barging.
"Oi, wanker!" shouted Stuart as he threw a well placed punch in Stephen's jaw. Stephen fell to the ground, and I remember feeling really disappointed at how weak he was. Something was fishy. The real Stephen wouldn't be floored in one bat. He stumbled back towards me and grinned. He had lost four teeth.
---Just then, I noticed that his neck had a flap. He wasn't... he wasn't wearing a mask was he? I think he was. Me & Sam both thought so. I ripped it off, and to my horror......
"Andrew Sachs moseys into the story." smiled Sachs as I pulled off the Frenchy mask to reveal the aging Fawlty Towers star!
"I would have gotten away with it if it weren't for you meddling kids!" said Sachs angrily.
I couldn't believe it. I was in shock and awe. It was only bloody Andrew Sachs! As I looked down I realized that he was wearing a Frankie says... RELAX! T-shirt. My limited edition one. Surely he wasn't affiliated with the crocky crew? He must have been.
"Look out, Sam" I screamed as Sachs threw a fist at Lowton's face. No fakes here, just pure connection. Sachs looked pretty pleased with himself as Lowton slumped to the floor, knocked out. I knew I was next, so I had to do something about it quick. I whacked out my backup phone, the Nokia 3310. The one my friend had modified to receive video calls. And I just dialled the first number of my speed dial.
Ring ring...
..
..
..
Ring ring...
..
..
..
He picked up. I told him to come.
"I like to call this one the Sachs bomb ;)" smirked Sachs
I held off Sachs' punches for a while and so he went on the true offensive. He unzipped his black pinstripe trouser legs and began trying to wipe his smegma on my clothes. I was really grossed out and almost fainted but I kept my wits about me and tried to remain stable. It was now mind over matter.
I was about to go. The smell was just too much. To make matters worse, Sachs had now pulled out that Sachsophone. That love trombone and was playing such a melody, I couldn't keep my eyes open. It was as if this was an IRL performance by a Jigglypuff. Just as I was about to drop off to sleep, I heard a voice.
"I'm here". I looked round and to my amazement, standing there was the person I had phoned ten minutes previously. And the man who can fix all this. Sportacus 10.
I watched in amazement as Sportacus unleashed his deadly arsenal of moves on the older and frailer Andrew Sachs as I tended to Sam Lowton who was now just waking up from the knockout blow dealt by the old codger. Andrew was no match for Sportacus, and in what was true poetic justice, Sportacus swiped the Sachsophone, that love trombone, and lamped Andrew Sachs over the head with it.
The police arrived and took me back to Sam's house where his mother, Linda Lowton was waiting for us with freshly made prawn sandwiches. I turned them down, however, when I noticed that the bread had huge finger marks in it.
That next day, we watched the new Star Trek movie down at the local cinema. "What did you think of that, Sam?" I said.
"I laughed so much at the litany of cliches that I finally had to admit I was entertained from start to finish by this cheesy knock-off." is what he replied.
..
4 years later....
# Sportacus is back in Iceland, doing what he does best. Perving on 10 year old females.
# Sam Lowton is now off his drug habit and has been relocated to Brighton with his mother Linda after receiving death threats.
# Me? A dignified chuckle.
# Sachs? Away for a very long time.
# The real Stephen French was found unharmed and later went onto appear on Sky 1's "Ross Kemp On Gangs"
# Stuart "Car Boot" Cooper now runs his own car boot stall in Leek selling antique cermic cats.
