This game didn't turn me into a horrible person. It made me realize how horrible I actually was.
It started out as a fun game to cure my big brother addiction. I started out in my first fasting, got 13th place. I honestly didn't know what was going on. In the tribute, the guy said "make alliances"
So during my second game, I made alliances. I didn't make one. I didn't make two. I made three. One alliance wanted my other alliance out. They had the numbers so I had to do what they said. Or else they would have the numbers and evict me for not siding with them. So I did. I went against one of my small alliance. Off course, they knew it was me. I haven't been voting with them and it was obvious. I betrayed them. They hated me. I thought this was how the game was supposed to be played. You befriend everyone and stay off the block. This technique has gotten me to f3. So I thought, maybe if i keep doing this I would keep getting f3.
I continued doing this and it keeps getting me to f3. So I thought my technique was flawless. I didn't realize how many people I hurt along the way. I didn't realize how many people I backstabbed. In every single game I played there are at least 2 or more people I have betrayed. It didn't bother me because I was getting to where I was suppose to. F3. People would call me names such as "Cunt, bitch, and etc." But it wouldnt bother me because they were just mad I didn't take them to F3 and that I didn't keep my word. Ignored them because I was in F3 and they weren't. Also because I understand why they would be calling me names. They had trust in me, but I let them down.
Then I told my best friend in real life about the game. tifffun and we started playing together. She turned out to be the most loyal person ever. She made me realize what an awful player I was. She asked me, "Geez is it so hard for you to stick to one alliance?" because she saw how I keep betraying people. It was embarrassing because I was scared she was going to judge me. Anyways, my answer was Yes.
It is hard for me to stick to one alliance. I constantly make tons of alliances because I need the reassurance. I need to know that everything is going to be okay. Why? Because what if I chose the alliance that falls apart? There's always going to be one alliance that falls apart. So I need more as backup. Which is horrible. All I care about is myself and my game play. I don't care if I hurt people along the way. It's because I have trust issues. I'm scared that my alliance will turn on me, so I turn on them before they get the chance to turn on me. I do to them, what I dont want to happen to me. Do you see why people get frustrated at me? At the end of the game, these same exact words are always said to me,
"I was loyal to you. I trusted you. How could you do that to me?"
Well off course there were some languages in there, but those were the main words. Everyone trusted me, and I let them down. I have been playing a heartless game. But you see, it's because I have trust issues. I always get hurt so I hurt them before they could hurt me. But at the end of the day, it's just a game. So I thought. This game and all my backstabbing made me realize what kind of person I am. A horrible one. I don't backstab people in real life but for some reason, in this game, I feel the need to. In fact, this isn't even me. How could I be so selfish and only care about how I'm getting to F3 and not how my alliance is getting to F3? I'm an awful person.
Even in real life. I hurt people in real life because of the fear of getting hurt myself. However, I would never backstab them or betray them. I just push them away. But thats a different irrelevant story. Thanks for reading. Doubt anyone even made it this far. If I ever do play another game on here. I'm sticking to one alliance. Sink or swim.
Just putting it out there.. in #bigbrother#BB15 when someone turns on an alliance it's called a "big move"
