I never know when I'm going to find myself writing on this blog again. God knows I've had plenty of opportunities and things to talk about. However, I'm finding it easier and easier to keep my thoughts in my head where they might fester. It feels safer like that. Less real maybe. If I write what I'm really thinking or feeling here or via YouTube, it suddenly manifests itself as reality and who wants to face that?
Ignore my ramblings, my friends, or whoever finds their way to my blog. I've had a rough weekend, and it really shouldn't of been. I went to a friend's bachelorette party. It was just the four bridesmaids and the bride, staying the night in a double queen deluxe room at a notoriously fancy and distinguished hotel. We went to the The Lounge to sip a glass of wine during happy hour. Awkward silence gave way to polite conversation, and eventually truly enjoyable banter. One bridesmaid had just gotten back from living in the mountains of Colorado, working with wolves which was fascinating to me (I might have a slight obsession with wolves).
We went to a pub-like restaurant and we were all feeling comfortable with each other at this point. I decided to treat myself and get something I've not had for years- a cheeseburger with sweet potato fries and a mixed drink cocktail- huckleberry mint. I was happy, I really was...but I waffled down my food like I had never tasted anything so delectable before. Those familiar feelings of panic and overwhelming FULLNESS, equating to fatness, took over. I felt as though I might throw up- no, I WANTED to. Anything to not feel like this.
I excused myself to the bathroom and leaned over the toilet. At first, that's all it took to get some food out. I was naturally throwing up, right? I fooled myself. I was trying to purge. But everything wouldn't come up with such little help, especially after abstaining from purging for over 11 months. I committed to it, letting the panic control my actions. Just a finger for just a second, it didn't take much. And then I couldn't stop. I had to get it all, now. Out out out, leave me please. I can't handle you, food. You're too much. I'm too much.
Comments
Forgive yourself and start trying to control it again. You did it for eleven months. You can do it again. I thoughts are with you.
