I cant remember what I saw that triggered it, it was some TV show I think, but it triggered this repressed memory thats fucking with me and idk how to handle it
the person that abused me, starting in middle school, would frequently come over to my house. I was like in love with him (or what teenagers think love is, but he was truly special, unfortunately) and he knew it and used it any chance he got.
What fucks with me is that I remember us literally laying in my bed, and sometimes for literally no reason at all, he'd "choke me out" for any reason he wanted. It got to a point, I realize, that to survive the traumatic event I would start deciding to fake pass out so that he'd stop and I wouldn't actually lose conciousness. How did this even start? was it always like this? i thought there were some good times we had together? but it seems like he was - i dont know. like i really dont know the words to use to describe him right now. Its so confusing
Why didnt I get the fuck up and literally kick his ass, why didn't I scream? my parents were just a room over? Why did I let him keep coming over? Why did I trust him at all and just ignore the fact that he did that shit? Like it didn't even happen? go to school with bruises all over me and i'm fucking clueless to it and its vey obvious.
I'm so confused, this is a really confusing thing to confront because I know I didn't have, idk as much logical thought, back then to think the things i'm thinking now? I just cant understand it, it makes me feel so much like that one trauma ruined my entire life from that point forward.
Why didn't I remember all the details of it? Why is it taken 15 fucking years to come back to me? II HAVE SO MANY QUESTIONS THAT IDK THE ANSWERS TOO
thanks for reading my ted talk if anyone does
i miss this place
