SOPHIE: Parvati has done a great job hosting things recently, such as TVGN Survivor special, and Survivor After Show. But some of you might not know the first thing she hosted: HPV.
ABI-MARIA: So I didn't know what a roast was, so I looked up Survivor Roast and the first thing I found was Mike Skupin.
ROB C: I invited Whitney Duncan to the roast, but she said she already had a pre-engagement.
ROB C: Tyson, this last season you used more family members than Woody Allen.
WARNING--Next one by Fincher is kind of below the belt
FINCHER: Aras, congrats on your album. I just pray that your child self-aborts himself so he does not have to put up with his dad's shitty album.
TYSON: Sophie, I had a lot of Princess Fiona jokes for you, but i will just say that even Aras has been invited back. Why haven't you?
PARVATI: Please welcome to the stage the first woman in the world to survive thirty days with Brandon Hantz without getting pregnant, Sophie Clarke.
ROB C: Sophie, I am a little worried about your love life. I mean, even Dawn's teeth is getting taken out more than you.
ROB C: I invited Russell Hantz, but he could not come due to the restraining order Parvati has on him.
ROB C: Aras, when you name your child, please be sure to give me a completely different pronounciation of his name than you give to everyone else.
ROB C: Aras, I should just not try to juggle with your name anymore and just refer to you as Vytas' Brother.
ARAS: Mikey B, I had to google you, and I still don't know who you are.
MIKEY B: Abi, I can't understand a word your saying. But my only reaction to you on your season was that you were, quite simply, John how to you say bitch in Brazilian. (JOHN replies Puta), you were a punta.
FINCHER: Aras and Tyson, sitting right next to each other. Oh wait, I'll leave you two alone for right now. I see that Tyson is jerking you off Aras for the fifteenth time this roast.
PARVATI: Aras blew his money on a furry hat company. And Laura Morrett blew on something furry too.
ABI-MARIA: Aras, you and I have something in common. I don't know how to pronounce your last name, and you don't know how to pronounce your first name.
ARAS: I am going to sing a song now for you all. (TIGHTY WHITIES)
TYSON: Parvati, those are not sunburns. They are cold sores.
AND MY FAVORITE
ROB C: Tyson, when you were knighted by Jeff Probst, that was cool. I think that was the first time a Survivor has been on their knees since Jenna Lewis in her sex tape. And similarly to you, she also got a necklace when she finished.
wtf thats not even a joke...