sorry, ive got a lot on my mind right now, and noone to talk it over with, cant post it on facebook because too many people on there will worry if they know i am (i know pretending to be strong never helped anyone but i dont want the whole conversation with close family and friends with whats on my mins and stuff i just wanna rant and leave it at that so it is a whole lot easier) so here i am. its 2:30am, in 8 hours i have a doctors appointment to collect results of an mri scan i went for a short while ago (ive been having really bad back pain and thatll tell me what it is apparently). ive looked up all possibilities and yes there is a chance it could be something serious but there is more of chance its just weak muscles or a trapped nerve or something. ive had blood tests and they didnt show anything so its not likely its anything serious because otherwise, it would more than likely show up on them. on the small chance that it actually is anything serious, the fact the blood tests didnt show anything probably means that if the mri scan does catch it, the possibilities are that its in well enough time to be cured so theres not much to worry about there. i know that and im not worried about that..... much. the thing that is playing on my mind is the doctor. i have a phobia of any medical staff and until one of my closest friends basically forced me to go to my GP to get my back checked out, the only medical people i had came into contact with on my own were nurses when i give blood every few months or so. im fine with that because it is in a room full of people and its all for a good cause. i dont know why that makes a difference but it does. the first time i went to my GP, my friend came along with me. he was nice and calm and actually treat me like a real person (the thing that started my phobia of medical people was that nearly every experience ive had, they just treat you like youre just another part of their job, theyre so cold and emotionless and really dont seem like they care) so since then every appointment ive had with my gp i have went on my own (the friend that forced me to go and came along with me is the only one who knows i have a phobia of doctors and i really dont wanna tell anyone else.... again, me being stupid and trying to maintain the image of "the strong one" i cant help it, i dont like people who are close to me worrying too much) and she lives a 30 minute bus ride away. every time ive been the hospital, ive had my flatmate come with me (i blamed it on the 45 minute walk i didnt want to do alone) but now dr grey (the doctor whos been dealing with me for this) isnt in the surgery this week so i have someone else and i really dont know what he/shes going to be like, and i have to face this one alone. i know im being a big wimp and i know its stupid that im not that bothered about what the results will say but im losing sleep about seeing a new doctor, a person trained to help people, on my own and i dont know why its bothering me so much, it just is and im literally shaking with fear because now after writing all this its only 7 hours and 40 mins to go. maybe thats just me being pathetic, i dont know. maybe i am, i just had to let it all out and whether anyones going to read all of this, i dont know, whether any of this makes any sense at all, i dont care. it feels a little better to get it off my chest and has just given me time to rant and type and do something for the past 25 mins or so... and im going to shut up now lol
