- movielover1996 -

Creativeness: 5/10: This 5 is for creative description. You have nice descriptions that really paint a picture in the readers head - my only worry though they felt a little out of place at times. Sometimes they took my out of the action. My main problem though was - I didn’t think the plot was very engaging and I was very confused to what was going on. It felt like you had tones of ideas - but didn’t know what to go with.

Understandable: 5/10: Huge flies, blood, cellphones. There was so much going on but I couldn’t actually see how it all joined up. It all felt incredibly confusing and nothing was making sense - what is a shame as you have a nice style of writing.

The Story: 5/10: I didn’t understand most of it and your dialog didn’t feel very real at times. When she was speaking too herself the dialog was too structured and long and not how someone would mutter to themselves. You have a nice descriptive language and can set a scene really well - the plot just let you down.

Overall: 5/10: I didn’t know what was happening or why it was happening - and this really let you down. I think you need to spend more time thinking about plot so the story has a easy to follow structure. You’re a good writer so I hope you make it through this round

movielover1996 =  20/40

- Jkjkjk15 -

Creativeness: 6.5/10: Nice twist - and not expected! I like the fact it was short as it had a much faster pace feeling and that’s what it needed. My main problem though - and why you didn’t get a 7 - is just some of your description felt a little too plain or out of place. For example - if she thought she was being chased - she would not have sighed a sigh of relief when opening the window.

Understandable: 8/10: I understood it all and it had a nice twist - a very well deserved 8! Just as I said above the sigh and the smile when she thought of the phone felt very odd and a little confusing - because it was mixing the feel the reader was meant to be getting. It’s important not to give the reader mix emotions unless you want them to feel that way. In this - the reader should have felt scared and worried (with a little sadness at the end) so no happiness of relief should have been seen. Just a tip for next time.

Story: 7/10: Nice story - nice twist. Just need to work on description a little to make the story more engaging. But a really nice story for the first round.

Overall: 7/10: I really did like this story and this one did engaged me more than some others did. The twist was nice and unexpected and worked incredibly well with the story you were telling. Just make sure you’re careful with the mood of the story - and just work on descriptions a little. Other than that - a great start to the series.

Jkjkjk15 - 28.5/40

Thirteen is safe :)

Thank you! I was super worried about the length!

JK! Congratulations!

- RyanAndrews -

Creativeness: 5.5/10: You have a very nice way of building up drama and tension but you have a few problems when it comes to story and description. Throughout - I couldn’t help but notice you used the same words too frequently, when they weren’t actually needed. ‘I’ for example was used a lot when you could have done without. Your sentences seemed to follow the same structure as well - so a change in length and description would have been nice. The story had very good and interesting elements in but I didn’t fully understand the story as a whole (more on that down below)

Understandable: 5/10: I liked this - but I struggled with parts. I never felt like I fully knew what was happening. Never found out what the noise was - don’t know what the creature
was - and don’t know why all of this was happening. I feel like this let you down a lot but it’s nothing you can’t fix. Another little thing to point out - be careful not to change the verb tense - for most of the story it was happening in the present but sometimes it changed to past tense.
The Story: 5/10: As stated above I couldn’t really connect with the story as I never fully understood what was going on. This is not to say you are a bad writer though - it just means you need to work on your plots and characters a little bit more as well as be careful with verb tense.

Overall: 5/10: This is a good score for the first round - so don’t worry. If you take these points on board I can see you becoming a very good writer. Just be careful with plotline and don’t change the verb tense. Also - sometimes less is more. Never overload your story for the sake of it as it can be better to have a more simple story that leaves more of an impact.

Ryan Andrews = 20.5/40

- JennaJeffery -

Creativeness: 6/10: I really like your use of description (even though at times I’d liked to have had a little more) and I think you have a great way of writing Dialog. I just couldn’t help feel like your characters were never expressed much and seemed a little bland. This can be a bad thing in such a dramatic piece of writing like this. I just think more character building would have been nice as they felt a little stilted and not as unique as I would have liked them to be.

Understandable: 7/10: I did get confused I will admit. I sometimes found it hard to know who was talking and who was saying what. I don’t know if that was the layout or because of your writing style - but I did get lost a few times while reading. This can be easily fixed - but was something I had to bring up.

The Story: 7/10: I liked the story but as stated before I needed to have more uniqueness in each character and I did have to reread parts so they made sense - meaning I couldn’t fully enjoy the story. I liked the dramatic tone and hopefully you’ll still be in the competition for the Drama round as I’m sure you’d be amazing at that!

Overall: 6.5/10 : I’m giving you a 6.5 rather than a 7 because I feel like this will actually help you further on in the competition. I think you are a great writer and I just think the word limit held you back - what could become a problem in this competition. Also be careful with your layout (with whose speaking etc.) as that did lose me a few times.

JennaJeffery = 27.5/40

- Connor_ -

Creativeness: 6.5/10: Your description is really nice and creates a lovely ( or in this case, dark) atmosphere. The only thing I would say is be careful not to over use the same words. My main problem is I found the actual story very predictable and it seemed like a lot of things I’ve read before. Just try and think outside the box next time.

Understandable: 7/10: How was he looking through the crack - but then had to run for the door? This was a Major plot hole and actually made me have to read through the ending three times to make sure I haven’t missed something. I would also like to point out - that even know the story took place in 1 room - it also featured a lot outside the room meaning I’ve marked you down a few things.

The Story: 6.5: Nice description but the story was a little predictable and I would argue it featured outside of 1 room as well. Be careful not to slip into clichés as they will make your writing predictable and unbelievable.

Overall: 6.5/10: Great start to the season and I think you could become a real contender. You have a nice way of describing emotions but be careful not to overuse the same words too many times when it’s not needed. Also - even though it was set in a room, it did feature outside 1 room to so I’ve had to mark you down a little there in fairness of the other writers.

Connor_ = 26.5/40

- PureEssence -
( as your story was submitted late - 1 point has been deducted from the first 3 areas. 2 points from the Overall score)

Creativeness: 7/10: (would have been 8) This was really clever and very different to anything else that was written. Just again - first part took out of place of the room so be careful with that. You have a nice use of dialogue and great characters - as each one actually had a different was of talking. Just your description needs a bit of work as some was not necessary and other parts seemed to drag.

Understandable: 7/10: (would have been 8) Your description let you down a bit. I know this sounds odd for understandable - but it made me question what kind of story and feeling this was meant to be/have. Your overuse and too detailed actually took me out of the story and made me wonder what kind of story this was meant to be. I don’t need to know everything (example - if it’s in the left corner. Just say it’s too the corner or side)
This kind of genre needs to be quick - not over detailed.

The Story: 7/10 (would have been 8) As stated above - lovely dialogue - but too bland and over descriptive description. You had a nice, simplistic but unique storyline and I’m glad you did send in a story because I really liked your story.

Overall: 6/10 (would have been 8) If only you had sent it in on time. I hope this doesn’t cost you as I can see you being a great writer for this competition. This is a great start to the competition and I hope you stay to write in the next round.

PureEssence = 27/40

Did..I... come top 3?

*Faints*

That's All 13 Stories!!!

Leader Board:

xxThornWYZ = 30.5/40
WitZ = 30.5/40   
JacksonWalsh = 29/40
Jkjkjk15 - 28.5/40
JennaJeffery = 27.5/40
PureEssence = 27/40
Connor_ = 26.5/40
XtremeNerd =24
Thirteen = 22
Zuelke = 21/10
RyanAndrews = 20.5/40
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Becky Huffman = 20/40
movielover1996 =  20/40

This was unexpected!

So who is eliminated immediately? And which 2 battle it out?

I didn't realize she left the room until a day after I sent the story in but by then it was too late. I would've edited it if I caught on. I just let the story unfold naturally and allowed it to practically write itself.

As Becky Huffman and movielover1996 both got the same score and are both in the bottom 2 - they will BOTH be automatically leaving the competition.

I want to thank you both for competing and please don't take this personally - as you made it though the tones of apps and both your stories were really good - but just didn't suit this competition.

Never stop writing - you both have a talent!

But for now: Becky Huffman and movielover1996 - you have been eliminated from the game