Quite clearly I have nothing to do. That's why I'm here, writing about CBB for the third day in a row. I must admit, this series is supplying the laughs in a cringe worthy sort of way. And today was obviously crazy day. Yes, everyone has gone from desperate celeb to psychotic celeb. Dare I venture? I'll have to take a 10 inch blade with me to tackle these nut-jobs.
Christianity. Now, I'm not going to get into some deep religious debate, but let's just say I hope not all christian's are like good ol' Stevie B. Stevie raised a hypothetical scenario; if his daughter had a gun held to her head, and asked to say "jesus never existed" what would he want her to do. Of course, surely he would want her to meet the mad man's demands? Well, not really. He'd expect her to ignore the gunman's demands and he would "meet her in heaven". Those are his ACTUAL WORDS. Now he's said that, he's opened the gate. I'd watch your back Stevie; there's plenty of atheist gunmen running around with a taste for Baldwin blood.
While Alex picked a fight with a fly, punching the air wildly, the rest were in the bedroom of horrors. Heidi revealed some of her most painful memories to the group; the pain she had to deal with in prison. The dangers of life inside. Oh, what's that Jonas? You have an insightful thought. Of course, pleasuring yourself is definitely the normal transition of conversation. Yes, Jonas seems to be playing a game of social limbo, lowering the bar of conversation anytime he can. And there's me thinking farting is as low as it can go. And Stephanie wasn't amused.
Surely that's enough crazy? NO! Let's play a game of word association. If I say dog you say... "cat". If I say lion you say... "tiger". If I say Stephanie Beacham you say... "gangbangs and drugs"... Not quite. Yes, talks of Heidi's past made Alex think of Stephanie's past, and in his strange mind the above was a regular occurance for Stephanie in her youth. Alex, go sit in the corner and think about what you've done.
Social limbo! Nicola's turn this time. Need an idea for a tattoo? Well Nicola has the perfect idea; tattoo the letter "P" on one butt cheek and "O" on the other. I'll let you find how this can spell "poo". Well done Nicola T...
Welcome to Stevie B's bible hour. Some of the 'mates gather for a reading by Stephanie like it's some religious jackanory session. Sov is one of those not joining in. She takes a peek out of the bedroom window to see Stevie B menacingly beckoning her to him. It wasn't just a simple "come here" wave, it was a full on sinister finger beckoning, as if Sov was going to be punished by daddy Stevie for not doing her homework. Turns out he was just LOLing at the mention of the word Sovereign in the bible. Ever heard the expression "small things" Steve?
Today's a special day. It's Vinnie's birthday! And BB is prepared to give him a party! Well, first he has to be locked in a phone box while his fellow housemates compete in challenges and strain to do maths. Happy Birthday, Vinnie. Vinnie may well be locked in this phone box but that isn't going to stop Stevie B giving him a coat, presumably by the power of evaporation through the air holes. First task; numbers. Not just a simple a+b+c, no, the housemates have to use their memories to recall key numbers, such as "how many fights has Alex lost from knockouts". Oh, and just as a reminder Dane, how many chart hits have you had, that's right "none". Not quite content on making housemates do maths, BB has resortedd to kicking people in the metaphorical nads. Surprise surprise, they couldn't get the number, oh well, we've still got Stevie B setting off mousetraps with his bare hands and Stephanie sticking her hand up dead chickens, all for a party for Vinnie which he doesn't really want. Time passes, tasks are passed and Vinnie is released. They win, hip hip hooray et cetera.
They get to throw Vinnie his party; Vinnie recieves his present of fish and chips (although golden beavers would have been a better idea, BB) and dull tunes are blasted into the house. NEWSFLASH! Obligatory house romance on the rise. It appears Jonas and Katia are falling for each other; Jonas going as far as saying Katia is his soul mate, all because of her farting antics. Ahh, true love... They even had a romantic walk in the snow. How sweet. Ten quid that the snow will bring the house to a halt like it's done everywhere else in this bloody country.
NOTE : This is just a fun look at the new batch of hope(less)fuls. I hope I didn't offend.
Yesterday I posted an intruiging insight into this years Celebrity Big Brother (if you didn't read it, then please do) and now I'm spending, or wasting, my time reviewing the events going on within those tired, aching walls.
Why Part 1? Why not day 1? Because I'm very non-commital to this, and writing a daily blog about CBB may just make me depressed at my life. But hey, not being one to bring myself down, looks like it's time to beat down thesee so called "celebrities".
Well, well. Those beds in the bedroom, adorned with clown heads. I wonder what they're for. In a rare master-stroke of inginuity, these serve as creepy cackling alarm clocks. As if they weren't creepy enough, some sadist decided it'd be a right ol' laugh if they started menacingly laughing at you. What next; are arms going to appear and swallow the naughty celebs? I think someone's taken a leaf out of Stephen King's book.
And so starts another day of awkward situations. Goody.
Awkward moment number 1. Sisqo poured his heart out when he told the achingly painful story of the first, and last, moment he met Biggie Smalls. Then Stephanie spoke. Will she come out with some other heart breaking story? Did she meet Michael Jackson? Or Heath Ledger? No, apparently it's a good move to change from the death of an infamous rapper to her tattooed dog. Yes, Stephanie abruptly changed the subject onto her dog. With tattoo's; at least I think she said tattoo's; at that moment my mind melted from the idiocy from her. Or maybe that's an upper-class equivilent to a murder.
Believe it or not, it was a pretty boring day in the land of big brother. So the man himself decided to give a task to his ADD inhabitants. Who the hell came up with this task. It's one thing to catapult paint filled balloons at a celebrity, but to have to lie on your back, rear end in the air, is the most absurd idea in BB history. And they have dressed someone in an egg and let John McCririck walk around in his undies. The aim of the game; in order to win "luxury" food items (with corn flakes and milk being some of the top prizes) they must hit the items with a balloon. Oh, but a celeb has to be stood underneath the prize at all times. Please let someone get it in the face. Although, getting it in the nads is equally entertaining. Enter Vinnie Jones. Yes, Vinnie stepped up to the plate and got it right in his 'lock, stock and two smoking barrels'. Instead of comforting him, they all broke down with laughter, which is probably the actual normal reaction. Eventually they claimed some prizes; some producer realised hitting a bottle of milk with a balloon is about as easy as carrying a crate of golden beavers up a mountain. So celebs got the prize as long as a speck of paint landed on the prize. Well done to everyone, except Heidi, who managed to explode the balloon on herself. Clap clap clap.
Awkward moment number 2! Stevie B is allowed a bible for one hour a day. A time he will most likely spend in solitary, reflecting. But not if his housemates have their way. Already bored out of their minds, they would even resort to reading the bible. These not-very-religious people would love to here a "story or two". What did Stevie say? Well actually he started talking about something irrelevant that Jonas said... But then he walked off. Take that as a no Alex...
Stevie B obviously felt enlightened after his hour, as he proceeded to talk to everyone. Not the "ooh, that's a dark cloud" type of talk, more the "you could be so much better talk". Apparently, if he was Alex's manager, he'd get him out of the cage fighting game, and into the acting biz. At first I thought this was a stupid idea, then I remembered the likes of Arnie and Stallone, both of whom can't act. In fact, there's already someone in the house like that; Vinnie. Stevie B may have been onto something. Oh wait, no, he's lost the plot. Alex Reid could apparently be the next James Bond. And that get's the prize of awkward moment number 3 and stupidest idea number 1.
The housemates calmed down and settled in the living room. At this time, maybe housemates can reflect on their experiences so far, talk about all their troubles. Or they could take the high road and talk about farting. Guess which one they talked about... Yes, farting. Taking away the small dignity the show head and rubbing it against their bums, they proceeded to not just talk about farting (including silent bur deadly techniques) but actually tried to force one out. Katia was the winner, after squeezing one out. Everyone collapsed with laughter. I pulled the trigger.
NOTE : This is just a fun look at the new batch of hope(less)fuls. I hope I didn't offend.
Yes, it's here again. And for the last time.
Celebrity Big Brother, now in it's seventh and final series, has arrived with as small a fizzle as every other year. And which celebrities have crawled from the depths to grace our tv screens? Well, only a handful I've ever heard of. Shall we take a looksie?
First in to the house was Stephen Baldwin, not that any of the other celebs know that. Admittedly, I've never seen one of Stephen's films, but I can't help but maintain respect for him simply because he's a Baldwin. It's the same with other famous families; look at the Jackson's. Bar Michael, none of them have done anything in the past gazillion years yet you still have to respect them.
Then someone called Nicola "obligatory page 3 girl" Tappenden (who simply goes by the name Nicola T, because the 3 syllables in Tappenden are too much for the average pleb to handle apparently) waltz's into the house. At this point I think the producers of the show want to create the most uncomfortable situation ever, so why not stick these two together. Cringe worthy conversation for the win... Of course, she has never heard of Stephen Baldwin, not even recognising the surname 'Baldwin'. To mask her stupidity she claims she needs to watch more tv and films. Because Stephen Baldwin is EVERYWHERE nowadays, that's exactly why he's on the show...
Following the usual CBB tradition, the barrel has well and truly been scraped to find this gem. Alex Reid, most famous for dating Katie "use in case of drowning" Price and cross-dressing. No wonder then that he was booed by the crowd. I guess they're all in Team Peter. Personally, I'm in Team Who-Gives-A-Damn. Poor Stephen Baldwin. Apparently calling him Stephen is too much work and Alex pretty much demanded a nickname from him. So he picked Stevie B for himself. Personally, I love it. Expect me to use it henceforth...
Because it's obviously a good idea, let's throw Stephanie Beacham in! No idea who she is? Me neither. All I know is that she was in ye olde tv show 'Dallas', making Stephanie one of the least relevent people in there. But hey; Ulrika Johnsson won last year, I think the show has reached some sort of menopause stage... No sooner had Stephanie entered the BB house that she started assigning roles to people. Not roles like "dish washer" or "foot rest" but roles like "Nicola is obviously there for the looks", "Stevie B is obviously the religious one" and "Alex is obviously the idiotic one". What's Stephanie there for? Who knows; a touch of class maybe? Although, that's like sprinkling pepper into a puddle of vomit...
From one end of the social spectrum to the other, enter Lady Sovereign. Or simply "Sov", a name that Stephanie can not quite grasp. Probably because it's the stupidest name ever. Well, Sov is like ten years old, so you can expect that level of immaturity.
Up to now, only Stevie B and Stephie B have grabbed my attention. The rest I would rather ignore. But the next entrant is now my favourite. Sisqo, singer of the classical work of art "The Thong Song", is one of the sweetest people to grace the BB house. Most likely this series' Coolio, just not as much a jackass, he will most likely storm through the house, and into our hearts. Bonus points for walking onto stage singing The Thong Song.
NEXT! Name: Dane "dull as dishwater" Bowers. Profession: "Singer" and "DJ". Purpose: Imaginary threat to Alex as they have both dated Katie "the real balloon boy" Price. Instead of creating instant chaos in the house, he greeted Alex warmly and everyone got on with their day. Not exactly the implosion BB producers expected, but if they took that pencil from out of their nose maybe they could make a good decision.
After scraping the barrel so hard that it bled, they procured Heidi "perma-smirk" Fleiss. Who is she? No idea, something to do with lady folk for sale... But hey, after a stint in prison, she's now running an upper-class laundromat. You scored a good one, BB.
Jonas Altberg, aka, Basshunter. If you've ever even glance at a club you'll have heard one of his songs. Hell, they're plastered all over the tv in those club compilation cd's they produce every week. Apparently he has tourettes. "Goody!" I thought, "hopefully we can have some verbal chaos like we got from Pete way back in BB7". It turns out he has his tourettes under control. It's like me saying I have a third nipple, but I had it removed. Sure, I had a third nipple and that's cool, but I don't have it anymore, so I can SHUT UP ABOUT IT. Something about that strange rant can be applied to Jonas' tourettes...
Now they've stopped scrapping the barrel and decided to blow it up instead. And up from the ashes crawls the near lifeless termite. I totally forgot what I was talking about, so here's housemate number 10, Katia Ivanova. I'm not going to spend much time on her, so I'll sum her up; about 0.01% famous for dating someone old enough to be her grandad. End of.
Last comes a true superstar. Probably earning his own weight in solid gold beavers, it's Vinnie Jones; mediocre football player cum mediocre actor. He's probably the most famous person in there, but that's like saying my big toe is the biggest; it may well be but it doesn't make any difference since all my other toes are small. Same can be applied to Vinnie Jones; he may be the biggest celebrity, but that's only compared to the Z-Listers we already have. Score...
So it's shaping up to be another same old CBB. This may have sounded like me complaining all the way through, but the truth is that I will inevitably waste my life watching another bunch of fame hungry celebs pick their noses in the name of entertainment. What a fun, mind-numbing three weeks it will be...
NOTE : This is just a fun look at the new batch of hope(less)fuls. I hope I didn't offend.
