Yes, it's here again. And for the last time.
Celebrity Big Brother, now in it's seventh and final series, has arrived with as small a fizzle as every other year. And which celebrities have crawled from the depths to grace our tv screens? Well, only a handful I've ever heard of. Shall we take a looksie?
First in to the house was Stephen Baldwin, not that any of the other celebs know that. Admittedly, I've never seen one of Stephen's films, but I can't help but maintain respect for him simply because he's a Baldwin. It's the same with other famous families; look at the Jackson's. Bar Michael, none of them have done anything in the past gazillion years yet you still have to respect them.
Then someone called Nicola "obligatory page 3 girl" Tappenden (who simply goes by the name Nicola T, because the 3 syllables in Tappenden are too much for the average pleb to handle apparently) waltz's into the house. At this point I think the producers of the show want to create the most uncomfortable situation ever, so why not stick these two together. Cringe worthy conversation for the win... Of course, she has never heard of Stephen Baldwin, not even recognising the surname 'Baldwin'. To mask her stupidity she claims she needs to watch more tv and films. Because Stephen Baldwin is EVERYWHERE nowadays, that's exactly why he's on the show...
Following the usual CBB tradition, the barrel has well and truly been scraped to find this gem. Alex Reid, most famous for dating Katie "use in case of drowning" Price and cross-dressing. No wonder then that he was booed by the crowd. I guess they're all in Team Peter. Personally, I'm in Team Who-Gives-A-Damn. Poor Stephen Baldwin. Apparently calling him Stephen is too much work and Alex pretty much demanded a nickname from him. So he picked Stevie B for himself. Personally, I love it. Expect me to use it henceforth...
Because it's obviously a good idea, let's throw Stephanie Beacham in! No idea who she is? Me neither. All I know is that she was in ye olde tv show 'Dallas', making Stephanie one of the least relevent people in there. But hey; Ulrika Johnsson won last year, I think the show has reached some sort of menopause stage... No sooner had Stephanie entered the BB house that she started assigning roles to people. Not roles like "dish washer" or "foot rest" but roles like "Nicola is obviously there for the looks", "Stevie B is obviously the religious one" and "Alex is obviously the idiotic one". What's Stephanie there for? Who knows; a touch of class maybe? Although, that's like sprinkling pepper into a puddle of vomit...
From one end of the social spectrum to the other, enter Lady Sovereign. Or simply "Sov", a name that Stephanie can not quite grasp. Probably because it's the stupidest name ever. Well, Sov is like ten years old, so you can expect that level of immaturity.
Up to now, only Stevie B and Stephie B have grabbed my attention. The rest I would rather ignore. But the next entrant is now my favourite. Sisqo, singer of the classical work of art "The Thong Song", is one of the sweetest people to grace the BB house. Most likely this series' Coolio, just not as much a jackass, he will most likely storm through the house, and into our hearts. Bonus points for walking onto stage singing The Thong Song.
NEXT! Name: Dane "dull as dishwater" Bowers. Profession: "Singer" and "DJ". Purpose: Imaginary threat to Alex as they have both dated Katie "the real balloon boy" Price. Instead of creating instant chaos in the house, he greeted Alex warmly and everyone got on with their day. Not exactly the implosion BB producers expected, but if they took that pencil from out of their nose maybe they could make a good decision.
After scraping the barrel so hard that it bled, they procured Heidi "perma-smirk" Fleiss. Who is she? No idea, something to do with lady folk for sale... But hey, after a stint in prison, she's now running an upper-class laundromat. You scored a good one, BB.
Jonas Altberg, aka, Basshunter. If you've ever even glance at a club you'll have heard one of his songs. Hell, they're plastered all over the tv in those club compilation cd's they produce every week. Apparently he has tourettes. "Goody!" I thought, "hopefully we can have some verbal chaos like we got from Pete way back in BB7". It turns out he has his tourettes under control. It's like me saying I have a third nipple, but I had it removed. Sure, I had a third nipple and that's cool, but I don't have it anymore, so I can SHUT UP ABOUT IT. Something about that strange rant can be applied to Jonas' tourettes...
Now they've stopped scrapping the barrel and decided to blow it up instead. And up from the ashes crawls the near lifeless termite. I totally forgot what I was talking about, so here's housemate number 10, Katia Ivanova. I'm not going to spend much time on her, so I'll sum her up; about 0.01% famous for dating someone old enough to be her grandad. End of.
Last comes a true superstar. Probably earning his own weight in solid gold beavers, it's Vinnie Jones; mediocre football player cum mediocre actor. He's probably the most famous person in there, but that's like saying my big toe is the biggest; it may well be but it doesn't make any difference since all my other toes are small. Same can be applied to Vinnie Jones; he may be the biggest celebrity, but that's only compared to the Z-Listers we already have. Score...
So it's shaping up to be another same old CBB. This may have sounded like me complaining all the way through, but the truth is that I will inevitably waste my life watching another bunch of fame hungry celebs pick their noses in the name of entertainment. What a fun, mind-numbing three weeks it will be...
NOTE : This is just a fun look at the new batch of hope(less)fuls. I hope I didn't offend.
