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Survivor: Marquesas May 2, 2011: Oh boy, now we get to a season I do NOT want to talk about, Survivor Marquesas. Why? Simple, Survivor Marquesas is a very popular season. It's a season that got a lot of people into Survivor. It gave us the awesome of Boston Rob and Kathy Vaveric-O'Brien. It got the higher ratings them Survivor: Africa. But it's boring.

Oh good Lord is this season boring. A boring cast, a boring location, dull challenges, all of it painfully boring. This season has some how aged worst then the original season, which given that it comes AFTER the first season is impressive. I assume that this season is just so dull that it warps time.

The season begins with our two tribes being taken to the Marquesas islands on a fishing boat. We get lots of shots of them throwing up, because that's what Survivor needs more of, people throwing up. They're divided into two badly uneven tribes. In fact, we wont see a more uneven tribal division until Palau.

The Rotu tribe in highlighter blue consists of:

John Carol - The first in a looong string of players who are not as smart as they think they are.
Gabriel Cade - The first contestant from my home state NC. As such, he must be either crazy, an asshole, a moron, or all of the above.
Tammy Lietner - Hypocrite at large
Zoe Zanidakis - Extremely unpopular, no idea why, she reminds me of Lisi
Kathy Vaveric-O'Brien - I can not spell this woman’s last name
Paschal English - Who the hell names their child Paschal
Robert DeCanino - Who?
Neleh Dennis - Serious, who names their child Paschal?

The other tribe is Maraamu, in highlighter yellow. These losers consist of:

Patricia Jackson - The first of many mistake eliminations Maraamu made
Peter Harkey - This guy is so annoying he makes you want to hit him in the face
Gina Crews - The most popular player this season. Also nearly invisible
Hunter Ellis - When the first All-Stars season rolled around, a lot of people wanted him back. Why?
Rob Mariano - Ah yes, Boston Rob wearing his Red S...Eagles cap, playing with his showmance partner Amb....Sarah
Sarah Jones - The Patron saint of boob jobs
Vecipia Towery - Who? Really said that she was invisible given that she won
Sean Rector - Sean is black. If you forget that, don't worry. He never shuts the fuck up about it.

The two manage to paddle to their respective beaches. Rotu's beach has a waterfall, while Maraamu's has a shit ton of fruit. This was supposed to give each tribe an advantage/disadvantage, but it didn't really play out that way. Anyways, the Rotu's get to work immediately, with Kathy acting acquired and off putting.

The Maraamu's on the other hand do what they do all season, a half ass versioned of whatever Rotu does. They sit around most of the day being lazy, Sean thanks God, Vecipia thanks God, Peter talks about holes, and it's all so boring I honestly start to doze off.

I might as well talk about this now so I don't have too later, religion has no place in Survivor, or Survivor-type games. Games like this are based around lying, deception, and manipulation. Saying that you can do things like that, and then just ask God for forgiveness is like saying you have license to sin. I specifically avoided any mention of my religion on this site just so people WONT associate my lies with it. So seeing Vee and Sean acting like God has given them permission to act like hypocritical douche bags makes me ill to say the least. When you say God gave you the win, you're implying God loved you more then the other contestants. So please, leave God out of this.

Anyways, after all of that nothing, their is still more nothing happening! Neither of these teams really stick out, thus far the only memorable survivor on Rotu is Kathy, and she's memorable for being a fuck up. On Maraamu, more people are memorable, and again for being fuck ups.

Soon it's time for the first challenge, a near repeat of the first one on Borneo, won by Rotu. Get used to that, Rotu is going to win a lot. Only three tribes have won less then Maraamu, Ulong (who won no immunities and 3 rewards), Foa Foa (who won 1 immunity and 1 reward), and Ravu (who won 1 reward). In fact, until Ulong came along, Maraamu was considered the worst tribe on Survivor. That's gotta sting.

Anyways, this tribe is so disjointed that no real alliances have formed yet. Peter brings people over to talk about strategy in open forum, always a smart idea. His stupidity is his own fault, and his dumbass is quickly sent home. Maraamu chooses to keep Sarah, queen of the boob people, something that I attribute to their constant losses.

On Rotu people are working hard, finding food, and enjoying life. Kathy continues to be awkward, but manages to earn some points through things like finding food and peeing on John's hand after an urchin sting.

On Maraamu, the lazy people (Rob, Sean, and Sarah) out number the workers (Gina, Hunter, and Patricia) with Vee in the middle and voting with the lazy. Patricia has started bossing people around, which I would complain about but at least some one on Maraamu is doing something! Four of them are sitting on their asses. Their camp is in shambles, fruit rinds are everywhere, and they're getting eating by insects. But they're a happy, if dense, bunch.

In other news, Sean continues to embrace black stereo-types by being even lazier then Sarah and being whiney about it. He says he isn't going to kiss Hunter's butt, and does that by being a lazy whiner. Bravo.

The reward challenge rolls around, and Maraamu looses. Rotu wins swimming gear. It's boring, move on.

Rotu catches a pig, Gabe hurts Kathy's feelings, Tammy, Zoe, and Rob are there. It's dull, move on.

Meanwhile, Maraamu puts together a better shelter due to rain. Sarah whines that they didn't want to build a better shelter when she suggested it. I yell at my TV that she should have gotten off her silicon ass and done something about it.

Now it's time for immunity, and surprise surprise, it's a gross food challenge. This time they eat smelly pieces of fish, with Rotu winning in a tie breaker. Now, who lost the tie breaker? Weak willed Sarah? Nope! Boston Rob, a man in the prime of life and full of will power.

Maraamu looses and it's off to tribal council. If it seems like I don't care about any of this, I don't. I really don't like this season. Patricia is voted off for being older and bossy. Whatever.

As they go home Sarah whines that just because she doesn't do anything they consider her lazy and tried to vote her off. I'm amazed no one has stuck a fork into her nipples and deflated those two funbags, but whatever. Meanwhile on Rotu, Paschal and Neleh have a Rodger/Elizabeth relationship. I have no idea why and it wasn't mentioned before this episode. It's boring, move on.

The reward challenge involves building a raft, and this really highlights the difference between Rotu and Maraamu. At Rotu, Gabe immediately takes charge to build the raft, at Maraamu Hunter takes charge after a long time of no one taking over out of fear of being called bossy. Unsurprisingly, Rotu wins. The excitement just jumps off the screen.

Nothing of note happens till the immunity. People (mostly Sean and Sarah) whine, Maraamu claims this is a new beginning, Hunter is the leader now, and I fall asleep on top of my TV remote. When I wake up I have the imprint on my face.

The immunity challenge is a giant table maze with one person calling out directions. Somehow Maraamu manages to fuck even that up, and they're off to tribal council. Maraamu has to choose between voting off Gina, or their strongest member Hunter. Hunter gets voted off, and it's now that I notice he looks a lot like a Ken doll. Weird.

Anyways, all of Maraamu but Gina revel in their stupidity. Thankfully, the next day that all changes. They head off to tribal council expecting a reward challenge, and does anyone notice that the tribal council looks like a picnic area of a park? Come to think of it, the whole area looks like a national park. This location sucks.

Anyways, no challenge but a tribal shuffle. Kathy, Paschal, and Neleh end up on Maraamu, Vee, Rob, and Sean on Rotu. Gina immediately takes to the new workers of Maraamu while Sarah whines that having to do simple things like getting wood is to much work. I don't blame her, if she walks into a branch her boobs are going to start leaking. The Maraamu's go on a romp through the woods, and Sarah gets lost, showing us she is too stupid to walk.

Meanwhile at Rotu, Vee starts working hard (I'll talk more about this in my End Of Season Thoughts) though she does complain about it, while Rob and Sean whine. Rob calls John a big time homo and claims he has a small dick. What a guy. Sean states that he hears the Roots theme in his head, and he keeps looking to make sure "Master" isn't watching. Yes, Sean played the race card.

I have a black friend who asked for his name to be excluded from this entry. I showed him Sean, and asked his opinion, only to find out it matched with mine. Morons like Sean who play the race card deserve to be slapped, and cheapen the impact of the lives of people who overcame prejudice. Much like religion, don't play the race card on Survivor. I'll go into this more when we hit Redemption Island.

Rotu wins the next immunity challenge, what a shock, and Maraamu is off to tribal council. Sarah whines about various, boring things, mostly how Kathy is too bossy, and how Kathy deserves to go home. She is instead voted off, and I fall asleep again

After this, new Rotu decides that this is the beginning of a brand new day, and they're going to start winning challenges. Meanwhile at Rotu, we finally begin to see something from Gabe. And with that, please allow me to introduce you into a new segment of this blog.

Impressive Achievements In Human Stupidity:
Their seems to be an unwritten rule about Survivor, 9 out of 10 contestants from North Carolina will be stupid, psychotic, or an asshole. Gabe falls into the stupid category when he states he didn't want to win Survivor, but to build a new society! He wanted to see if eight people could really be stranded and build a perfect society together. I guess he's forgetting about the whole voting people off thing.

Anyways, Gabe's stupid drives John to form the Rotu 4 alliance with the other 3 members of Rotu, Tammy, Zoe, and Robert. Gabe talks about voting with the Maraamu’s, or not voting with them, and clearly doesn't care. Usually this wouldn't matter, but Maraamu does the unthinkable and wins both the reward challenge and immunity challenge. Rotu is finally off to tribal, where Gabe is voted out unanimously for being a moron.

At Maraamu, Kathy is still awkward, and Gina thinks she's gaining ground with Paschal and Neleh. Sure, you keep telling yourself that. Maraamu wins reward, looses immunity, sends Gina home, and I finally get to write about the merge. Thank fucking God.

On day 19, Rob and Kathy are sent out to be representatives of their tribes, sent to a neutral location to plan the merge. Gee, live at the dilapidated Maraamu camp, or live at the Rotu camp with tons of rewards and water. Despite spending all night at the neutral location, they make all their decisions instantly. They also get their magenta colored buffs, with strangely huge logo's on them. Weird.

The three Maraamu's get to meet the other 3 original Rotu's as all ten become Soliantu. Kathy and Rob have a kinda-sorta alliance, since Kathy is targeted by John, with Rob as the back up. At the immunity, Kathy wins, and Rob is sent home.

We finally get to what is agreed by fans and haters alike to be the high point of the season, episode eight. For the last three seasons, the merge has played out the same way, an alliance from one tribe has Pagonged the other tribe mercilessly.

Anyways, the episode begins with Sean farting, something he apparently has a problem with that hasn't been mentioned till now. Sean has become the target of the Rotu 4 because...I have no idea. Kathy is smarter, more likeable, and harder working, while Sean isn't. One thing of note is John brags a lot in this episode, most notably bragging that Neleh and Paschal are to stupid to turn on him and it's like having two free passes.

The reward challenge involves making and flying kites, and I must admit to enjoying this one. Much like the dance off in Fiji, I like challenges that are completely different then anything that's come before. Anyways, Kathy wins the kite-off, and her reward is to go on a boat cruise (and probably throw up) while eating a Snickers (which she will definitely throw up). She brings back the Snickers to camp, shares it with the group, and John still finds a way to act cocky about this. Ass.

Sean knows that his ass is on the line and decides he's going to try to win immunity. The challenge in question is the one where the entire game changes. It's a three-strike challenge, answer a question, give someone a hit. In this case, chop a rope holding up a bundle of coconuts.

Sean is the first one out, despite getting two right. Although John is eliminated early, the Rotu 4 rather clearly target Sean, Vee, Kathy, Paschal, and Neleh, eliminating them one by one. In addition, when Tammy wins the challenge, the 4 high five each other, way to be subtle guys.

This display of arrogance is what causes the other five to band together. At tribal council, despite Sean being the Rotu 4's target, John is sent to the jury.

After this, the other 4 are essentially on Survivor death row. Tammy is the target, but wins immunity again, and the nearly invisible Zoe home. Tammy looses next, and despite her and Robert sucking up to Paschal and Neleh, they're eliminated one after the other. If it seems like I'm rushing this, I really want to stop talking about this season.

Alright, the new five have done the impossible and eliminated the Rotu 4, and now we have a new problem. Paschal and Neleh will never vote against you. Sean will never vote against Vee. Vee will vote against Sean if the price is right. Kathy is in the middle. Sean wins the car at the reward challenge. So he's now doomed.

At the immunity, Kathy wins (guaranteeing that what happened to Christy and Dolly wont happen to her) and Sean won the car before, so he must go home. Kathy votes to eliminate Sean, and I'm amazed he doesn't yell out that it's all the white mans fault as he leaves. Whatever, take your lazy ass to the jury.

We now reach the final four. Incidentally, this final four is the first example of what I call a Marquesas final four, where two of the four are real well liked (Kathy and Paschal) and two are not (Vee and Neleh). Not only that, but the two unliked are the final two. We'll see this again when we reach Survivor: Exile Island.

The final four immunity challenge is a trivia about former castaways challenge. Vee being the only one smart enough to expect this had kept notes on every one of her fellow tribe mates. She wins immunity, and Kathy makes a deal, vote with Kathy and the two go to the end. They vote Neleh, cause a deadlock, and bring out the stupidest twist in Survivor until the infamous Have/Have Not.

The purple rock of death. The two people who have votes against them are immune, as does the person with immunity. Those who are left pick a rock, and if it's purple, they go home. Except, Paschal is the only one who can draw a purple rock, and with no votes Paschal is off to the jury. Wonderful. Incidentally they no longer do this at the final four because their is no way to do a fair purple rock. Their is no way to do one period I'd point out since the person who goes home isn't voted for, but fuck it, their show and their rules.

The final three immunity is the typical hands on a hard idol. After four hours, Kathy slips while fixing her bra, and immediately Vee makes a deal with Neleh. She'll jump off, Neleh votes Kathy. Neleh agrees, gets immunity, and Kathy, who came back from one of the worst introductions in Survivor history, is off to the jury. Well, I'm no longer bored, just pissed off.

The final tribal council of Marquesas is one of the most bitter the show has ever seen, with the bitterness coming from three of the Rotu 4. John blasts the two, demanding an apology for them having the audacity to play the game and vote him off. Tammy calls the two hypocrites and liars, yeah I'm sure that stings. Robert has no questions, instead wanting them to grovel, which they don't.

The jury votes, Vee wins with four votes to Neleh's three, and I finally get to leave Marquesas...on to Thailand. GAH!

The Greg Buis Memorial Chucklehead Award:
You could make an argument for EVERYONE, but I'm giving it to whoever implemented the purple rock of doom that sent Paschal home. That's such a stupid idea, I don't need to cover it any more.

End Of Season Thoughts:
I know a lot of people love Marquesas, but I am not one of them. This season is dull, frequently feeling like a weaker version of Survivor: Borneo. The island and cast repeatedly call to mind Borneo, with John as the poor man's Richard Hatch. Plus, we had a winner who was practically invisible.

That being said, Vee is good at Survivor. Damn good. She was a floater to be sure, but she was never the target. At Maraamu she was lazy, Rotu she was hard working, and she jumped alliances so often I couldn't keep track of her. While she was always with Sean, I don't doubt she would have pitched him if she had too. Vee may be a hypocrite, but she deserves some kudos for her game play.

Survivor: Marquesas is serviceable, but boring. Nothing about it aside from the turn around in episode eight is memorable. It's all got that been there, done that feeling. In addition to the dull cast, you get a yawner of a season. I wish I could say it gets better, but next time we take a look at the disaster that is Survivor: Thailand.; Points: 0 2 comments
Survivor: Africa Feb 17, 2011: After two seasons, Survivor was at an all time high, among viewers and (debatably) in terms of quality. Many people were excited to see the third season, Survivor Africa...only to be disappointed.

Reasons have varied, but most people have said that Africa contained less memorable moments, less memorable contestants, and had a been there/done that feeling. Before Thailand, this was considered "The bad season", due to the reasons I listed. Thankfully, Thailand was just around the corner to show us what BAD really is.

I never thought that myself. I actually liked this best of the first three seasons, and it's still one of my favorites. The cast was made up of several dynamic personalities, some you loved, and some you hated. The challenges were good, their were plenty of memorable moments, and the finale was good (unlike in Australia.) Still, it's going to vary with everyone.

Survivor: Africa begins with a truck being driven through Kenya. Right now we know nothing about these survivors other then they're wearing red and yellow. They're escorted off of the truck, and given a small amount of supplies before heading off in the directions of their respective camps.

In yellow, we have Boran, made up of:

Kim Johnson: The 50 year old Amber of Boran
Clarence Black: Voted off first, but didn't leave until the merge. One of two contestants picked by last seasons winner Tina to go far.
Diane Ogden: An embarrassment to the post office and curly haired people.
Ethan Zohn: Not Ethan Zorn, pro-soccer player, great guy
Lex van den Burge: Hypocrite at large, in this and All Stars
Tom Buchanan: Smarter then the average good ol' boy
Jessie Camacho: Seemed nice, got sick early and was gone.
Kelly Goldsmith: Smart, and screwed for it.

The Borans, showing a level of intelligence I would expect from Pagongs, not a winning tribe, decide the water they're carrying is to heavy and dump it. Diane the mail carrier, almost immediately gets them lost and ends up to tired to make the journey. Think of Diane as the Debb of this season, just minus Debbs work ethic.

Meanwhile, the Samburus manage to get off and find their camp without fighting, or anything interesting happening. The Samburus in red consist of:

Kim Powers: The Samburu Amber
Frank Garrison: Despite a bad first impression, a really good guy.
Teresa Cooper: The best player this season, easily. My favorite, so doomed to loose
Brandon Quinton:...I'll get to you in a minute
Lindsey Richter: Worthless in every way, but makes up for it by being whiney. One of two contestants picked by last seasons winner Tina to go far.
Silas Gaither: Online reviewers once dubbed him to repugnant to be in the Hitler Youth Elite.
Carl Bilancione: Ended up sick early on, though most of that was edited off. Not much to say.
Linda Carver: Nuttier then a Nutrageous bar. Yet, cynical and snarky, so I liked her.

While Samburu (or as they'll soon be known, Samboohoo) didn't do anything of note BEFORE getting to camp, when they arrived the young ones started doing what they would do for the next several days. Whine about working, whine about not having gourds (they broke theirs), whined about being in Africa, etc.

The only one of the older group who stands out is Frank, who immediately begins barking orders, earning the ire of Brandon and Kim P. Linda also begins to stand out due to her talk about "Mother Africa" and respecting "The spirits". Get used to this, Linda is crazier then a bus full of Ghandia.

The Borans discover their water hole, or rather, their mud pond. For some reason, this season the contestants do not have wells to get water from, but little ponds full of mud. The Borans can't get water, and Jessie starts to puke. At Samburu, they find a telescope in their med-kit(?), and use the glass to make a fire to boil mud-water in.

Boran decides that, unable to boil water, they'll eat a can of cherries and use the juice to keep hydrated. While they pass around a can of cherries, Clarence rather obviously takes two instead of one. He isn't even subtle, Ethan sees him doing it.

Anyways, it's on to an immunity challenge/reward challenge. The reward is flint, which for Boran means fire and drinking water. The challenge its self involves moving a cart with a giant torch on it, while lighting other torches, in a race to the finish line.

While Boran takes an early lead, they fall behind during a sandy part of the race, and completely fall out of it when Diane collapses. Samburu wins, and Boran is going to tribal council, where Diane most likely will be voted out.

But wait! Even though Diane looks like she's going to go, someone does something so stupid it sends them home immediately, even though they're still in the game. While back at the camp, all the Borans go to get water, while Clarence watches Diane. When they return, they learn Clarence opened a can of green beans, feed a few to Diane, ate the rest himself, and threw the can away.

This doomed Clarence. This was the moment his game ended. While he lasted till the merge, he was done for. Already having taken two cherries, he took a can of beans without asking, how could anyone trust him after that? They couldn't. Unsurprisingly, the rest of the tribe (and Tom in particular) were pissed off.

At tribal council, Diane and Tom vote against Clarence, while everyone else votes for Diane. The message is clear though, Clarence is here because of his strength, but the moment they don't need him, he's going home. Not only that, but due to Tom voting for him at this and the next tribal council, he'll have votes against him. If their is ever a tie involving him, those votes will send him home.

As the Boran’s return home after eliminating Diane, Clarence goes to various people to kiss ass, and try to get in their good graces. Jessie, queen of vomit, refuses to even give him the time of day and it’s clear no one trusts him. Not only that, he thinks that the primary reason he got votes was because he gave Diane beans, rather then the fact he ate the rest himself, and then (badly) tried to cover it up! We see this kind of idiocy a lot in some season. We’ll see more when we hit the merge.

At Samboohoo, they decide they need to, you know, build a fucking shelter. The older half of the tribe (Frank, Teresa, Carl, and Linda) start working, while the younger half (Lindsey, Brandon, and Kelly P.) complain about Frank being bossy. Silas sits out and watches.

Next comes the reward challenge (earning blankets and other supplies), which Boran looses in part due to Kim J. being older and weaker then the others. Thankfully there is little target on her back due to Jessie being sick, and Clarence being an idiot.

The immunity challenge soon comes, and it’s one I find particularly nasty, doing shots of cows blood mixed with milk. Much like past gross food challenges, it comes down to a tie. Boran looses due to Kelly being unable to down a large glass of pure blood, sending Boran back to tribal council.

Once again Clarence gets mentioned as a target, but the others say he has proven himself. In fact, he’s proven himself so well that Tom votes for him again, pointing out that like him or not, he can never fully be trusted. In spite of this, Jessie goes home due to being sick (I suspect she had dysentery).

By this point in time at Samboohoo, the tribal lines are clear. The old will never vote against each other, the young will never vote against each other, and Silas is a wild card, though he’s made deals with both groups. They haven’t engaged much in scheming due to them not loosing a challenge, much less having to go to tribal. That’s all about to change.

On early day seven, as the elders get water, they realize Silas is playing both sides. The youth realize they hate the older ones for working hard and being old. Linda rambles on about spirits, unable to realize it bugs the hell out of her tribe mates and the viewers. While the older group gets water, Brandon of the youth league cook mush for breakfast, then eat extra amounts so the older group wont have as much. This is stupid for two reasons. One, it means you’ve shown yourself to be conniving and untrustworthy, something intelligent people in your own alliance will note (so just Kim P.). Second, it means half your tribe will be hungry, weaker, and could loose challenges. Lindsey also makes beaded necklaces for her four friends, just to really drive home the point. About as subtle as a railroad spike through the head Lindsey.

The reward challenge is a favorite of mine, moving two large, colored boulders through flags to a final point in a race. The reward is the one that I still think gave Boran an edge, one hundred gallons of clean drinking water. Boran win (due to Samboohoo being unable to control their rock), and now…they don’t have to boil water. That’s enough for everyone to drink a gallon a day until the merge. Boran can remain better hydrated then Samboohoo, which is definitely important when it’s over one hundred degrees in the shade!

Nothing much happens after that, other then Silas sides with the Samboohoo Youth League, referred to as the SYL, against Teresa and the Army of Awesome, referred to as TAA. The immunity challenge is recycled from Borneo, make an SOS signal. Boran makes one using their mosquito nets dipped in bright paint, while Samboohoo just make a big SOS. The problem is the SOS so well matches the background, the first time I saw it I didn’t see it! I just saw a bunch of sticks!

Linda makes some very nutty comments about the idol not wanting to live in a house of conflict, and I start to wonder if Linda and JoAnna are related. Now though, Samboohoo needs to go to tribal council. TAA target Lindsey, whose sick, lazy, whiney, and a contender for the Greggy award. SYL targets Carl the dentist, who also is sick, but far worse, is rich in real life. This bugs me, money you have outside of the game shouldn’t have a baring on inside the game. Then again, if I were on Survivor, I would do the same thing probably.

The vote is deadlocked, and they go to a tie-breaker since neither have votes cast against them. To break the tie, they draw rocks…wait, this isn’t Marquesas and I’m not slamming my head into a wall. No, they answer trivia questions, something pretty lacking in tension. After a few questions, Lindsey gets one Carl misses, and Carl is sent home.

After this, the SYL take control of Samboohoo, which is about the worst thing that could happen to the tribe. The four SYL are lazy, complaining morons, and with them in charge, things go to shit. Let me just say this right now, there are some seasons of Survivor where your enjoyment will hinge on one element. For example, in Pearl Islands it hinges on if you like Rupert of the Outcasts, while in Tocantins it hinges on if you like Coach. The early part of Africa hinges on you finding the stuff with the SYL dramatic. If you don’t like TAA (now down to three), you’re going to find the early part of this season tedious as all hell. Thankfully, I find what happens to SYL so satisfying that I love this season so much more.

Anyway, TAA decides to stop working, and to see how SYL does on their own. They sleep, sleeping so long that when they wake up, they only have thirty minutes to get to their reward challenge. Silas tries to give a pep-talk that sounds like it was pieced together from bad movie lines. Linda, showing why I love her, starts making fun of Silas, then jumps up and down sarcastically proclaiming she wants to be part of the team.

Samboohoo manages to win the reward challenge (winning spices), and it’s a serious moral booster. When they get back, SYL notices their water reserves are almost used up since TAA stopped working. Do they learn from this? No, they go get water and whine the entire time. SYL then manages to break one of their few pots while boiling water, and I begin to wonder if any of these people will make it out alive!

I know I haven’t talked much about Boran now, but Boran isn’t doing anything. The biggest topics are Tom being unable to eat mush, and Kim J. being old. Part of the problem comes from Boran suddenly winning challenges, like the next immunity (Involving moving a house up and down a hill in pieces). Without loosing, we don’t see Boran much.

SYL calls TAA over, and decide it’s time for Silas to give another speech. He says that TAA all need to vote for only one of them, so if there is a tie, only one person in SYL will have votes against them. Lindsey whines, and Brandon tells TAA there is nothing in it for them. Actually, he tells them that SYL was going to say who was getting voted off, but TAA being ungrateful put a bad taste in his mouth! My God was a dick.

Unsurprisingly, TAA takes everything Silas said and pitches it in the trash-can. They then vote Silas, since all of them decided even if they loose, they want Silas to loose more so. In spite of the votes, Linda, her sprits, and her snark are sent packing.

The next episode begins with Silas going too the two remaining members of TAA and whining that they had the audacity to vote for him. They’re on a sinking ship, what was their logic, whine whine whine. Essentially, Teresa and Frank decided they’re going to loose, and they do not under any circumstance want Silas to win.

What comes next is something that would become a fixture of many seasons of Survivor, but at the time people thought it was something used to fix the game. They claimed it was a really unfair twist. Expect similar accusations in Thailand, Pearl Islands, Palau, Guatemala, Fiji, and Nicaragua.

Tree mail is sent to both tribes, to send three people too where they were first dropped off. Boran sends Lex, Tom, and Kelly. Samboohoo sends Silas, Teresa, and Frank. When they arrive, they find Jeff Probst, who tells them they’re now on the other tribe. He gives them their new buffs, and sends them on their merry way.

The new Samboohoo’s realize they’ve just traded The Fresh Prince for Good Times (twenty points to all who get that reference). The Samboohoo camp is a mess, their water hole is a mud hole, and Brandon claims they can’t find fire wood (which Lex and Tom find immediately). Meanwhile, Teresa and Frank are almost jumping for joy being at Boran, while Silas realizes he’s now on Survivor death row.

New Boran wins the first reward challenge (involving moving goats into pens), causing Lindsey to do something unexpected. To sit there and whine about how sad it is that Silas is on Boran, and that the new Samboohoo’s want to work. Silas meanwhile tries to get Ethan on his side, but Ethan ignores him. Clarence tries aligning with Silas, and decides he doesn’t trust him. Ouch.

Boran looses the next immunity challenge (they might have thrown it, though I doubt it), and are sent to tribal council. Silas tries to get Frank out, and the Boran’s decide to do the audience a favor and send his Royal Pain In The Ass home.

At Samboohoo, Kelly decides to try and find out which of the three whiners has votes cast against them. At the next reward challenge, Kim J. (who?) flashes hand signals, suggesting its Lindsey. If that weren’t subtle enough, Kelly walks into a conversation about Lindsey having votes against her. When Samboohoo looses the Immunity challenge, a tie between Lindsey and Big Tom ends with Lindsey gone.

It’s at this point the two tribes merge into a new tribe, Moto-Maji in green. The moment they merge they begin the immunity challenge, involving chaining your hand to a bucket of water above your head, and holding your arm up. Your arm drops, the bucket comes down. Boran out numbers Samboohoo six too four, but Clarence is the real target tonight. Jeff Probst tempts people to drop out with food, until it’s down to Clarence and Teresa.

Now, if you’re a smart person, you don’t drop out at all if you think you’re the target. Clarence though decides to gamble his fate on a game of rock-paper-scissors, which he looses. Without immunity, Clarence receives all but two votes at tribal council, his own vote, and Teresa’s.

Just a note on the individual immunity. While the last two looked like talismans, this one looks like a beaded rug for your neck. It’s one of the laziest immunities of the entire series, though still not the worst (an honor jointly shared by Thailand and Fiji). It doesn’t look like it would make you immune, it looks like a wall hanging.

What happens next is the move that sealed Brandon as one of the worst Survivors of all time. Teresa’s vote went to Lex, except he didn’t know that, he thought it came from Kelly. Being a calm, rational person, Lex flipped out and went on a freaking rampage. Kelly decides to do the smart thing, and tells the Samboohoo’s she’ll vote with them, giving them five votes to send Lex home. All it requires is Brandon to vote with Frank, which he won’t do.

Brandon, ah Brandon. I’m going to hold back my rant until I get to the Greg Buis Award section (which you will be receiving), and just say this. Had you voted with the Samboohoo’s, you would have gotten to the final four. Against Kim P. or even Frank, you could have won. Instead, you decided to vote with Lex because you just didn't like Frank. Sadly, Kelly is sent home, and Brandon seals his own fate.

After this, Brandon is much like Clarence, he’s been booted out. They just haven’t made it official. The other three Samboohoos don’t like Brandon, and the Borans don’t trust someone who would sell out his own alliance without a second thought. The only one who trusts him is Lex, and most of Lex’s tribe wonders if they trust Lex!

The next reward challenge is one where teams of two will run an obstacle course in order to win a movie date for the two of them. In a bit of perfect irony, the team of Brandon and Frank win. They spend their date watching Out Of Africa and having fun hating each other.

The next immunity ends without Brandon winning, and he and Lex decide to get rid of Frank. Everyone else on Moto-Maji says “Fuck that” and Brandon is voted out. In one beautiful moment, Kim P. votes for him, and then says she’s not sure if the two of them can still be friends due to his stupidity.

The next reward challenge is a favorite, the Survivor auction. It’s a bit blah except for a few things, Teresa getting into a bidding war over a hoagie, and Tom and Ethan buying a mystery dish that ends up being a full breakfast, complete with bacon (leading Tom to scream “He’s a Jew, he won’t eat it!).

It’s also apparent that Frank is the next target. He’s physically the strongest of the Samboohoos left, and his conservative opinions and ramblings tend to annoy those around him. Not so much that he has opinions, but that he doesn’t know to shut the fuck up. Still, you can tell Frank has a good heart, and when he looses the immunity challenge, you feel for the guy. He’s sent home by unanimous vote, after telling Teresa to vote for him.

Kim P. is the next to go, and that’s all I’m going to say. Her episode was like her, boring and forgettable. Kim P. was the Amber of Africa, not unpleasant, just kind of there. Their exact reasons for taking her out were…I have no idea. Teresa is better in challenges and smarter then Kim P., plus was better liked.

After this, Teresa is clearly next to go. Despite being easily the best strategist this season, she could never get the numbers, and only an immunity could save her. The next challenge is a reward, for which the prize is a Chevy Avalanche, which Lex wins. From that moment on, Lex’s game was doomed, he just didn’t know it.

Teresa scrambles, trying to talk to Ethan and Kim J. about how Lex has won so much, so if he looses immunity, he needs to go. It’s all for not though, as Lex win immunity. Despite her planning, Teresa can’t crack the alliance, and becomes the fifth member of the jury.

By now, we’ve reached the final four. Tom, Lex, and Ethan have made a final three deal, with Kim J. being the odd (and boring) woman out. Not that it really matters, Kim J. can’t win. She’s done nothing of note, so if she made it to the end, she’d earn second place.

Lex has grown annoyingly paranoid, convinced everyone is out to get him. Tom has grown sick of it, as has the viewing audience. The worst part is, he’s right. They are out to get him. (sigh)

The immunity challenge is Fallen Comrades, not really anything of note except…the producers got a question wrong. The final question (Which female Survivor has no piercings, including ears) is answered by Kim J., saying Kelly. Lex answers saying Lindsey, but is counted wrong. The truth is, both answers are correct. As such, Lex and Tom were awarded second place prizes instead of third and fourth. Why Tom since he guessed neither? No idea.

With immunity, Kim J. is safe and Lex the challenge threat is kept. Instead, they send Big Tom to the jury. Why not Lex? Once again, no idea.

The night before the final immunity challenge, Lex stays up half the night because he’s become sick. Since the final immunity challenge is traditionally endurance, guess how much being sick helps.

The next day the final three go on their remembrance walk, something as I’ve said I really enjoy, and are given a Samburu warrior ritual. They’re then coated in more braided crap that looks cooler then the actual individual immunity, and taken to their final challenge, Hands On A Hard Idol.

The three get standing, and Jeff Probst is there to tell them how hot it is, acting like Satan’s little helper. Ethan, the physically fit professional soccer player, is the first too fall, before the day gets very hot. As the day wears on, it’s clear that Lex is struggling and Kim J. is in the zone. Finally, Lex falls, essentially sealing his fate. Kim J. knows full well she can’t beat Ethan or Lex, so it’s time to decide who she likes more. At tribal council, she casts her vote, and Lex becomes the last member of the jury.

Before someone argues that Kim J could beat Lex, Lex would have Brandon, Frank, Ethan, and Toms votes. That’s four right there, while Kim J would only certainly have Kelly.

The final day in Africa begins with Ethan and Kim J reflecting on their time in Africa, basically padding out the run time. They choose not to torch their camp, which is too bad, I wanted to see that hut thing they had burn!

At the final tribal council, things go as you expect. Unlike the last two, this jury is not very bitter, and only one real question of note is asked, from Brandon of all people. Brandon asks who on the jury is least deserving too be in the final two. Kim J says Tom, and Ethan (showing why I love him) tells Brandon that Brandon doesn’t deserve to be in the final two. I’d argue he doesn’t deserve to be in Africa, but I digress.

The final vote occurs, with Kim P. and Brandon voting Kim J. It’s not even close to enough, as Kelly, Lex, Tom, Teresa, and Frank vote Ethan, making him the winner of Survivor Africa.

The Greg Buis Memorial Chucklehead Award: Oh God, I’ve been waiting for this. Brandon, you eternal loser. You are everything that is wrong with the gay community in a nut shell. You bitch about not being treated fair, but don’t treat others fair either. You claim to be a mastermind, yet the only the you masterminded was your own vote off. You were rude, lazy, inept, and made Jerri seem nice at times. Please collect your Greggy award, then shuffle off too extinction, you chapstick based life form.

End Of Season Thoughts: Survivor: Africa got a very negative reception when it premiered, and it’s easy to see why. It has a been there/done that feel to it, with Boran eliminating Samburu. So, at the time it could be seen as a bit of a let down.

As time has gone on though, Africa has aged very well. Unlike Borneo and Australia, we know who most of the cast are before they’re voted off. Several challenges introduced here are still used to this day. The cast is more interesting the Australia’s for the most part. Finally, it gave us the tribal swap, something still being used in Survivor.

If I had one major complaint, it’s that Teresa lost, but that’s just bad luck, not anything she did. Survivor: Africa is definitely worth a look, especially for people who found the first two season too dull But enough about Africa, now we get to take a look at the season that brought us back to an island, and gave us the most frequently playing Survivor of all time, Marquesas.; Points: 33 3 comments
Survivor: The Australian Outback Feb 6, 2011: I decided to post the first to entries within a day of each other because I've seen the first two season often enough that I remember them without having to rewatch them. I do not have that luxury for the other seasons, so I'll have to rewatch them before writing them. That'll take a while, but for now let's take a look at Survivor 2.

Survivor: The Australian Outback is the second season. It's one of two seasons to be a Super Bowl lead out program, and it's the only Survivor season to be number one in the ratings. Things like this have given it an almost mythical quality, the perfect season where EVERYTHING went right! Does it deserve that reputation? ...No, but I'll explain why.

The season begins with the sixteen new survivors being flown into the Australian outback. They're being flown in by the Royal Australian Airforce, and for a moment I wonder if Coach called in a favor (this will make a lot more sense when we hit Tocantins). They're dropped off and divided into two tribes.

The Kucha tribe in blue consists of:
Kimmi Kapenburg: Loud mouthed vegetarian, annoying
Alicia Callaway: Despite her muscles, she was bad at challenges. Best remembered for waving her finger.
Nick Brown: Who?
Rodger "Kentucky Joe" Bingham: A good representation of Christianity, the south, and humanity. One of my two favorites.
Elisabeth Filarski: Future member of the view, despite her hair falling out from malnutrition, never gave up. My other favorite.
Jeff Varner: Good strategist, no luck what so ever.
Debb Eaton: Voted off to soon.
Michael Skupin: The pig killer. If he hadn't fallen into the fire, the final four would have probably been Kucha.

The Ogakors in green consisted of:

Amber Brkich: The worlds best coat-tail rider.
Colby Donaldson: Great at challenges, over rated player, can be arrogant. Not Jerri's friend.
Keith Famie: He can cook rice, and he's not nearly as bad as they say. Really not Jerri's friend.
Jerri Manthey: God damn it
Tina Wesson: Good strategist, but didn't do very much. Given that she won, that's a bit weird. Not Jerri's friend.
Mitchell Olson: Tallest cast member, could get blown away in a heavy wind.
Kel Gleason: Army intelligence officer, and beef jerky connoisseur. Not Jerri's friend.
Maralyn Hershey: Coolest ex-cop in the word. Oddly, not made of chocolate.

Much like with Tagi and Pagong, the differences in the tribes become obvious soon. When they're dropped off, the two tribes both get one crate of supplies and five minutes to take their supplies before leaving. Kucha grab stuff chaotically, and they get lost heading off to their camp. Debb bosses people around, Jeff throws up, Kimmi screeches, Nick can't use a compass, and Elisabeth carries a board on her head.

By the time they get to their camp, the minor things begin. Debb still bosses people around, much to the annoyance of others. Kimmi needs a muzzle, sparing the other Kucha's and the audience. Jeff keeps puking, Michael bosses people around, and Rodger fails to burn his Bible. They do at least work on stuff though, just not very well.

The Ogakors get going quicker, and with less fighting. Even when they arrive, they get to work quickly, building a shelter with Colby's flag. Only when they began working on the fire do the problems start. Jerri and Keith get into a fight over starting a fire. Get used to me saying "Jerri and X get into a fight over Y", I'll be saying it a lot.

At the first immunity challenge, the Kucha's do a pitiful job, and loose to Ogakor. Despite Jeff puking, Debb is sent home, reminding you just how important not being annoying is. Did they make the right choice? No, sending Kimmi home first would have been, but hindsight is 20-20.

Ogakor wins the next challenge, a reward challenge, earning them blankets. To celebrate their win, they bitch about not having food or being able to sleep. Chef Keith cooks up rice, that ends up being less rice and more glue, which they all hate. Only Jerri really tells it to his face though, what a shock.

As the day rolls on, Jerri claims to have spotted army intelligence officer with top secret clearance, Kel, chewing beef jerky. She leads the searching of his stuff, reminding us that boundaries mean nothing to Jerri. When Kel returns, he tells them that he was chewing grass. Jerri claims this is impossible, because you need to find grass to chew it. What makes this hysterical is, when she says this, you can see a large patch of grass over her shoulder. It just reminds you Jerri is a bitch.

The next immunity challenge is a gross food challenge, one Kimmi nearly looses for Kucha. Instead, Tina throws up tripe, and then can't eat a worm. Oddly, despite this painting a target on her back, she doesn't receive a vote. Instead, the tribe decides to vote off physical powerhouse Kel, instead of bitchy and whiney Jerri. Damn it.

Ogakor briefly rallies, managing to win the next reward challenge and win fishing hooks. The Kuchas though catch fish without hooks thanks to Mike, and end up eating better then Ogakor. At the next immunity, Ogakor looses in part due to Maralyn "Mad Dog" falling down. Due to Mad Dog being the oldest cast member, she's an easy target.

Let me diverge for a moment and ask this. When they loose the third immunity challenge, the Ogakors return to camp, all depressed. Tina describes the mood as "a sad mood, but a very strategic mood." A very strategic mood? What the hell does that mean?

Keith tries to defend Mad Dog, since she is by no meaning the weakest member of the tribe, that award going to Mitchell. Mitchell and Jerri both receive votes at tribal council, but the rest go to Mad Dog, and she sadly is sent home.

After this, Kucha really begins to dominate in challenges, only loosing one more. Ogakor looses the next reward, a challenge involving a puzzle which would earn the winners chickens. Jerri and Kieth continue to fight over any little thing, the latest thing being fishing. In addition, Tina grows sick of Jerri and realizes she's not in Jerri's alliance. After Keith goes, she goes next.

Meanwhile, God continues to show he has it out for Ogakor when Mike of Kucha spears a pig. In a scene that is bloody, yet awesome, he spears a wild boar, much to Kimmi's irritation and constant whining. Kimmi whines about the chickens being killed also, and whines she isn't appreciated. Can't imagine why.

Next comes an odd immunity challenge, Survivor Knows Best. The rules are confusing, and due to some very terrible editing, players who correctly answered questions seem to go several times. At the end Kucha wins, and Ogakor goes to tribal council a third time!

Tina and Keith scramble, and manage to get Colby into their alliance as a third person. Remember that point, it'll be important later. Anyways, at tribal council, their is a dead locked tie between Kieth and Mitchell, with Mitchell finally being sent home.

Kucha wins the next reward, further crushing Ogakors mood. Jerri and Keith get into a fight over fish guts. At Kucha, Kimmi and Alicia get into a fight over the chickens, with Alicia waving her finger in Kimmi's face. Kucha finally looses an immunity, and Kimmi is sent packing. The audience rejoiced.

Kucha wins the next reward, earning Mountain Dew and Doritos. The Ogakors are broken, starving, and would probably loose if their was another immunity. Most of them just don't have the will to go on, but it doesn't matter.

At Kucha, Michael Skupin ends up falling into the fire, after breathing in a face full of smoke. He burns his hands badly, and has to be pulled out of the game, the first ever medical emergency. Due to this, the tribes will merge with five members each.

The tribes merge over the next few days, moving to a brand new camp site. They rename themselves Barramundi(does that mean anything?), and their color is orange. Unlike the other two, this one is heavily wooded. They end up building their camp in what turns out to be a dry river bed, something that will become important later.

Ogakor decides to target Jeff, due to him having votes against him, something Kimmi blabbed about. Kucha decides to go with Keith, since they suspect him of having votes. At the immunity challenge though, standing on a tower for the longest, Keith wins, so the Kuchas decide to vote for...Colby. Not Jerri, Colby. Colby. Colby. If I say it often enough, maybe I'll believe it

As an aside, the immunity necklace is pretty cool. It's a talisman with fangs, making it look vaguely fierce. One of the better ones, a hell of a lot better then the braided piece of shit in Africa.

Tribal council ends in a dead-lock, which ends with Jeff going home. After this, the Kuchas go from being shooters to being targets, though unlike Pagong they try everything to survive. Kieth wins the next individual immunity, and Alicia becomes the first member of the jury. Jerri annoys all of the Kuchas, managing to annoy every person left in the game.

The episode after Alicia goes home begins with Jerri annoying people, mostly the viewers. When the tribe gets it's info about the next reward challenge, they're told to pick partners. Jerri wants Colby. Jerri whines when they decide to pick names from a hat. Jerri gets Colby, Colby contemplates drowning himself.

The challenge is an obstacle course, won by Jerri and Colby. In a nice bit, Colby helps Jerri up over a wall, then drops her flat on her ass. Unfortunately, he doesn't break her mouth, so she talks all the way to their reward, a day at the Great Barrier Reef.

Colby tells Jerri he wants to enjoy himself, Jerri hits on him. Jerri talks strategy, Jerri annoys the piss out of Colby. Essentially, anything Colby tells Jerri she does the opposite. One amusing bit is that when they go back to Barramundi, Colby takes back two (illegal) pieces of coral. Jerri fears that this might make Colby more popular in the eyes of the others. I swear I did not make that up.

The next target is Nick (remember him? No? Me neither), but at a stupid immunity involving pulling ropes, he wins immunity. Jerri decides/decrees that the next target will be Elisabeth. The former Ogakors have to decide between voting off Elisabeth, or Jerri. In a decision that probably took five seconds, they send Jerri packing, with only Jerri and Amber voting Elisabeth. Jerri is voted off. Let me say that again.

Jerri is voted off.

After this, the Ogakors plan continues, and when Nick looses immunity to Colby, he's sent to the jury. One thing of note, at this point Barramundi has been burning through their rice, and finally run out of them and fishing hooks. Jeff Probst offers them more rice and 25 hooks, but first takes their tarp, and Colby's flag. Unlike the first season, this is another sign of how the food situation if effecting the tribe. They are starving, and all of them look a little like raisins by now from lack of nutrition.

The Kucha's could have tried to get Amber on their side and go after Keith, but they didn't really try, and ended up not staging a coup.

The next reward challenge, a rope maze, is won by Colby, earning him a trip with some cowboys and food, much food. While they're having their challenge, the river bed that the Barramundi tribe camp was built in floods, washing a lot of their stuff away, new rice included.

During the night, Tina and Keith go for the rice, Keith walking across the river bed, and Tina actually swimming out to get it. Rodger has to use a rope to pull her back, the entire scene being intense and yet awesome.

At this point, Amber and Elisabeth have been getting a little too close for the Ogakors. Colby won another immunity challenge, and the Ogakors decided Amber needed to go now.

The next challenge is a reward one, involving getting to speak to your loved ones via an internet challenge. The challenge is answering questions from a simplistic quiz, that Tina wins, making that her only challenge win. Now, family episodes very in their quality, but this was one of the better once, with a lot of memorable bits like Keith proposing to his girlfriend.

By now, the contestants have become fairly boring, as has the footage of them. One entire scene is of them staring at a fire, not talking. Yes really. Anyways, at the next immunity, Colby wins. The Ogakors decide to ask Rodger who needs the $60,000 that comes with 4th place more, and he says Elisabeth does. To my sorrow, Kentucky Joe becomes the 5th juror. At least he outlasted Jerri.

Now, usually the last 3 days would be the last episode of the season. For reasons that baffle my puny human brain, Survivor: Australia went for 42 days, not 39. As such, another person (named Elisabeth) would go before the final episode.

The next reward challenge was the first of many, the car challenge. The car challenge brought with it the Car Curse, something I do believe it. Whoever wins the car, looses the game, often immediately after. Maybe if it were once or twice it would be a coincidence, but this has happened twelve times! Anyways, the car was won by Colby (what a shock), earning him a Pontiac Aztek. I bet if he knew what he was winning, he'd have told them to give it to Jerri, let her drive around in the ugly mobile. Colby also wins a night camping out, with a surprise guest, his mother.

At Barramundi, we see just how bad food is, when Elisabeth’s hair starts to fall out from malnutrition. I don't mean a little bit, a lot of it starts to come out. In spite of this, she doesn't quit, she keeps fighting. REMEMBER THIS. When we get to Pearl Islands, it will be VERY important.

Colby again wins immunity, and Elisabeth’s chances for survival evaporate like a snow ball in hell. She becomes the sixth member of the jury, and Kucha dies with her.

At this point, the problem with a 42 day season becomes apparent. Their is a two hour finale, with one person voted off. As such, the first hour is padded to the extreme, with the Tina, Keith, and Colby decorating little idols, reflecting on their experience, and looking at stuff.

They go on their spirit walk, and once again, although cheesy I love this. No one talks, unlike later seasons, and some of the footage we see of past survivors is really ironic (like Mike standing in front of a fire).

The final challenge is Fallen Comrades, answering trivia about past contestants. Colby wins, is anyone surprised? He has to choose between Kieth, unliked by some of the jury for being cocky, or Tina, loved by the jury and someone who could beat him. Showing that intellect that earned him second place, Colby voted off Keith, costing himself $900,000.

That night, Colby and Tina burn stuff, and talk about voting Keith off. This sequence really made me dislike Colby because of his statements like "Keith didn't deserve to be in the final two." Uh, why? If it's by who deserves it the most, Rodger and Elisabeth would be in the final two, you and Tina on the jury, and Jerri at the bottom of the ocean. The crowning jewel of arrogance is this bit though:

"We brought Keith into our alliance because we needed a third person. If we could have gotten rid of him sooner, we would have." No. Keith and Tina formed an alliance to get rid of Mitchell, and they needed a third person, so they got you. You didn't do anything dickhead. Hell, by your earlier statement, you deserved to go sooner because it took Tina and Keith to get you into your alliance! What an asshole.

The final tribal council is a lot better then the first one, but I only want to comment on a few statements. Nick asks a good question, the primary reason Kucha lost was because Mike fell into the fire. If he hadn't, which Kucha's would have been in the final two.

Tina answered Mike, while Colby went with Mike and Nick. Elisabeth asks which two did NOT deserve to make it to the end, no explanation, just names. Both of them answer Jerri, something that made me applaud.

Finally, Jerri asked her question, showing just how deluded she is, asked for moments they were ashamed of, sorry for. Tina answered searching Kel's stuff, something Jerri started! Colby answered voting off Alicia, Rodger, and Elisabeth. You know who wasn't mentioned? Jerri.

Unlike the last time, both contestants were very well liked by the jury. Colby earned three votes from Rodger, Nick, and Amber. This wasn't enough though, and with four votes, Tina became the second sole survivor.

The Greg Buis Memorial Chucklehead Award: Few seasons is it so easy to give out this award. It has to go to Jerri Manthey, the wicked witch of the Outback. If only they had dropped a house on her.

End Of Season Thoughts:
Survivor: The Australian Outback is frankly overrated. It's good, but like Borneo, it hasn't aged well. The finale sucks, and some of the survivors (like Nick and Amber) are invisible until they're voted off. In addition, when the Kuchas start to get voted off, the end of the season can be seen coming from a mile away. The final two will be Ogakor, Kucha will collapse.

That being said, it's an improvement over the first season. The location is cooler, the challenges more fun, and their is less...tension among the cast. What little tension their is goes away when Jerri melts...er, is voted off. The cast you can tell really did like each other, and with the exception of Colby's last decision, they were able to be friends and still play the game.

The opening credits no longer have the cheesy flaming words. They also add an Australian style noise to the opening credit music. The opening credit music would be changed a little in every season untill Nicuragua.

Survivor: The Australian Outback is loved by other fans, and is one of Jeff Probst favorites, but it's not in my top five. I think Africa, the season after this is better, and several have more happening then this. Still, it's a really strong season, and everyone should watch it once.; Points: 25 2 comments
Survivor: Borneo Feb 5, 2011: The primary reason I came to this site is because of my love for the TV show Survivor. I've seen every season, and as such am a bit of an obsessive super fan. With over 21 seasons and three hundred contestants, you might assume I'd have a lot to say about the show, and if so you'd be right. I've decided to post my thoughts for each individual season, and to do that I have to start with the original.

Survivor: Borneo premiered May 31st on CBS, and lasted until August. It was originally a summer show, not expected to really bring in the ratings, and to probably be forgotten after one or two seasons. As such, the cast we got was a lot...different then the casts of the later season, but I'll explain why in a bit.

The show began with sixteen people being "shipwrecked" off the coast of Borneo. They were divided into two tribes, Tagi and Pagong, and given five minutes to gather as much stuff off of their ship before being forced to paddle to their separate beaches. Unlike later seasons, they already a good number of supplies like knives, fish traps, and canned goods, but no flint to make fire. As such, for those who've watched later seasons and then decide to watch this one, this will be the first of many things that will strike viewers as odd.

The arrival of the two camps highlighted the differences of the two. The Tagi's arrived chaotically, and went to work on their shelter chaotically, but they all worked on something. They actually did stuff, and took this thing seriously. The Tagi's were made up of

Sonja Christopher: One of three old people, designated scapegoat
Stacy Stillman: Lawyer who would one day sue the show because she was a sore loser
Dirk Been: Dairy Farmer, one of many poor representations of Christianity this show would have
Sean Kenniff: Doctor, moron who used the Alphabet Voting Strategy
Susan Hawk: Even sorer loser then Stacy
Rudy Boesch: Single most awesome Navy Seal their is
Kelly Wigglesworth: River rafting guide, first to begin the tradition of people sucking at whatever their real life job is in the game.
Richard Hatch: Over rated strategist, but still awesome

When the Pagongs arrived, did they immediately get to work? No! They spent time getting to know each other, they spent time hanging out, and even when they did get to work, we only saw four of them really working their asses off. The other four did little to nothing. The Pagongs are made up of:

B.B. Andersen: Voted off way to soon.
Ramona Gray: Blazing the trail for other contestants to come on the show and get horribly sick almost immediately.
Joel Klug: Designated moron, voted off for baffling reasons.
Gretchen Cordy: Judgmental idiot with her head in the clouds, should have gone sooner.
Greg Buis: The single most annoying player this season.
Jenna Lewis: Big mouthed chick, does oddly well in All Stars.
Gervase Peterson: The reason Joel got voted off, is lazy and yet still earns most peoples respect.
Colleen Haskell: The first contestant to use the under-the-radar strategy, fairly boring and should have been eliminated sooner.

Over the next 18 days, the survivors compete in 10 challenges, four reward and 6 immunity. You'll remember this because the host, Jeff Probst, never shuts up about it. For some reason, in the first season they felt they needed Probst to remind the audience of every little thing, no matter how obvious or stupid, or how many times we'd heard it before.

Each immunity challenge is won by the tribe that lost it before, with Pagong winning the first, and sending three people home from each tribe in this order.

Tagi: Sonja
Pagong: B.B.
Tagi: Stacy
Pagong: Ramona
Tagi: Dirk
Pagong: Joel.

Of these, the only confusing one is Joel, who was voted off because of sexist comments Gervase made. Yes really. Incidentally, before Joel was voted off, he suggested that when the two tribes merged, the five Pagongs form an alliance to pick the Tagi's off. Gretchen, master of missing the point, states that she thinks people should be voted off based on "merit", and that the other tribe wont vote in an alliance. Thoughts like this make me want to put my head into a wall, because this is a GAME! You don't win a game base on merit, you win it based on lying and manipulation!

Anyways, over the course of the first 18 days, we get to see further differences of the two tribes. Tagi's tribe is hard working, serious, and with the exception of Sean and Dirk, are willing to make an alliance to stay alive. They take all of this seriously, and are for the most part, more interesting to watch. Their camp is better maintained, they eat better, and while they don't all like each other they still work together.

The Pagongs are different. They love hanging out with each other, love having fun, and as such they get rid of the only one who really wants to work first, B.B. Their camp is a mess, especially as time goes on, and they don't seem to take anything seriously. Most of the Pagongs are annoying and annoy me to no end, in particular Greg Buis.

Greg, oh God how I hate Greg. This moron is a camera mugging jackass every time we see him. Any time he speaks it's to say the fucking obvious ("rats are rats"), or the numbingly stupid ("If people are voting in alliances, vote me off soon"). Thankfully, shit head went soon after he said that.

Anyways, Pagong was a tribe of fun loving nimrods, many of whom didn't realize that this was a game that they were trying to win until after it was too late for them to win. I read somewhere that Jeff Probst himself wasn't particularly fond of the Pagongs, they didn't take things seriously, they showed up to Tribal Council late, etc., but I can't verify that so it may not be true.(I have since verified that at their first tribal council, the Pagongs all voted for Jeff Probst, and that the production team wasn't sure what to do about Greg because he kept screwing things up. What a group of morons.)

After 19 days of living apart, the ten remaining survivors were told they had hit the half way point, and it was finally time for the merge. Sean and Jenna are sent off to a beach with nice beds and lobsters to decide on the obvious, that Pagong will got to Tagi beach and they need a new name. Oddly, despite this decision taking five minutes, they spend all night there, not quiet willing to go back to their tribe shelters and spend the night in the rain.

The two tribes merge on Tagi beach and become the new tribe, Rattana. The Pagongs, being stupider then a sack of coconuts, do not consider for a second that the Tagi's might be viewing all of them like targets at a firing range. Instead, they just want to do their Pagong thing, hang out, have fun, look cute on camera etc.

At the first individual immunity challenge, we are greeted with the first individual immunity necklace. Sometimes these look cool, sometimes stupid, and in the case of Fiji, just plain lazy. The Borneo necklace is a talisman with a painted on face, which while it does look cheesy, I can't help but love. Too my eternal irritation though, Greg wins the first individual immunity, so he's safe at the first vote.

The first tribal council is again very telling. Before the tribal council, Sean (being a moron) had told the Pagongs flat out he didn't believe their was an alliance, and Jenna decided to vote on Merit. As such, when they finally went to their first tribal council, the voting ended up schizophrenic. Six people voted at complete random, giving six people one vote each. The Tagi 4 consisting of Rich, Kelly, Sue, and Rudy though kept their votes together, and sent Gretchen packing.

Afterwards, the Pagongs put their four heads and three brains together, and realized, the Tagi's targeted Gretchen! They might be coming after us! Thankfully they weren't the only ones pointing out the fucking obvious. Dr. Sean, making you wonder how the hell he became a neurologist, stated "The only reason to vote off Gretchen was strategy!" No, really Sean?

At this point in time, Kelly of the alliance had started getting closer with the girls of Pagong, foreshadowing how she would eventually jump ship for 2 votes, but still vote with the alliance for 3 votes.

At the next immunity challenge, Greg thankfully lost and was picked as the next to go. Now, at this point, the Pagongs can rally, vote together and get Sean's vote, take out the Tagis. So what do they do? If you said, decide to vote out Jenna, you're correct!

The tribal council that night was a particularly interesting one with Jeff Probst flat out asking Sue if their was an alliance. Sue couldn't respond, and when Kelly asked she avoided the question. You'd have thought this was an indication to the Pagongs that something was wrong, but you forget how damn stupid the Pagongs are. In my favorite tribal council of the season, Greg is kicked out with 6 votes. Unfortunately he made the jury, so I'd be seeing him again, damn it.

After this, the Pagongs were doomed. Gervase was the next target, seeing as he was more athletic then Colleen and Jenna, plus his lazy ass annoyed Sue. In order to save their team mate, Jenna and Colleen decided to form a counter alliance, eliminate Rich, and to get Kelly on their side.

Now Kelly had decided to leave the Tagi alliance and get out Sean. Not Rich, Sean. This annoyed Sue to no end, and I think I understand why. Kelly never really left the alliance, she just chose not to vote against her friends. Despite all her ramblings about doing the right thing and having values, she was still more then willing to be part of the alliance when it benefited her.

Much to the irritation of the Tagi alliance, Gervase won immunity. So, the target was switched, from Gervase to Jenna. Despite her, Colleen, and Gervases best efforts (or rather, because of their lack of effort) Richard only got three votes. Kelly voted for Sean, and because of Sean and his stupid alphabet strategy, Jenna got four votes and a seat on the jury.

Without Jenna, the last two Pagongs were done. It took six days to happen, but they were doomed from that moment on. Gervase and Colleen struggle to stay in the game, and find essentially no help from anyone, Kelly included. Kelly states that she "never wanted to be an alliance" a head scratching comment given that she and Stacy formed the very first alliance in the history of Survivor (a piece of trivia for you). Sue and Rich formed a final 2 deal, as did Sue and Kelly, something that would lead to the Snakes and Rats speech. Gervase failed to win the next immunity, Kelly voted with her alliance, and he was sent packing.

Now only one Pagong remains, Colleen who managed to sneak under the radar, and be one of the dullest contestants of the first season. Kelly's flip-flopping and Colleen's quietness cause the Tagi alliance to decide to vote Kelly or Sean out before Colleen. Kelly though one of many immunities, and the Tagis decided to finish off Pagong. Colleen was sent home with 4 votes (the 4th coming from Sean).

By now, Sue no longer trusts Kelly like she did. The day after Colleen goes, she and Kelly got into a fight, screaming at each other over...does it really matter? Sue feels Kelly stabbed her in the back, which I never got because Kelly didn't vote for Sue, and was never planning on voting for Sue. In fact, this fight is one of the things that would contribute to Sue losing.

Sean realized by now he was on the outside of a four person alliance. Yes, it took him this long to realize it. He also decided that this was a game for a million dollars, and he wanted to win. Jesus, this man is even stupider then I remember. Anyways, in a move shocking to no one, Kelly again won immunity and Sean was sent home.

By now, it's down to four. Kelly, and the other members of Tagi. Richard and Rudy have made a final two alliance, and Sue just seethes. Had Sue and Kelly kept their deal, it would have been a two-two split, and we would have had had our first permanent tie. The survivors would have drawn rocks, and by the time of Paschal that stupid practice would have been fucking retired.

At the next challenge, Kelly won immunity again, and thus Richard and Rudy decided to target Sue. Now, the first vote had ended with a tie. Had Sue and Kelly not had their big fight, the second vote would have ended in a tie, and Rudy would have gone him because of the purple rock of death. Kelly would have won immunity again, taken Sue, and won the game (because no one would have voted for Sue). Instead, Sue's past stupidity and Kelly’s current stupid come back to bite them when Kelly changes her vote from Rich to Sue. With that, Sue went home.

The next day was the first long "memory walk" where they remember their past survivors who were voted off. Now, while this is stupid as hell, I gotta admit I love it. You rarely remember the pre-jury survivors, so this helps, plus it's a good way to say good bye to the current survivor cast.

The final immunity was an endurance challenge, Hands On A Hard Idol, who ever can keep their hands on the immunity idol the longest will win immunity. It's here that Richard Hatch made a move that even I have to admit is strategically brilliant.

Now I haven't talked much about Rich because I believe him to be an overrated player, and every other person who talks about Survivor talks about Rich. However, this move was brilliant. He decided to throw the immunity challenge, and virtually guaranteed himself a victory.

Rich had a final two deal with Rudy, but would have chucked Rudy in a heart beat because Rudy would win votes against him. Kelly though he knew he had a chance against. If he won immunity, and voted off Rudy, he would lose Rudy's vote, and if he took Rudy he would loose. By throwing the challenge, he knew Kelly would be able to outlast Rudy, and would vote Rudy off. This way he would keep Rudy's vote, and with his, Sues Greg’s, and possibly Sean’s, he knew he could win.

Kelly did win immunity, and eliminated Rudy, taking Rich with her to face the jury. The final tribal council is admittedly a bit of a snoozer, except for two things.

The first was Sues infamous Rats and Snakes speech. Their are two kinds of Rats and Snake speeches, the Sue variety, and the Eliza variety, which I'll cover when we get to Survivor Vanuatu. The Sue variety comes from when a contest is angry at one of the finalists for having the audacity to betray them and play the game! How dare they cost that juror their chance at a million dollars!? Sue's own speech is cruel, vindictive, and makes her come across as even less mature then most of the Pagongs. That being said, it is one very memorable moment.

The second memorable moment was from Greg, further reminding you what a dumb ass he was when he asked Rich and Kelly to pick a number between 1 and 10. Truth be told, he was going to vote for Rich anyway, but this just made him look stupid and to lazy to think of a question. What a jackass.

In the final vote, Kelly picked up Colleen, Jenna, and Gervases votes. Rich though was rewarded for his better strategy, and although he was obnoxious and a liar, he admitted to it. Sean, Sue, Rudy, and Greg voted for him, making him the first winner of Survivor.

The Greg Buis Memorial Chucklehead Award: Each season, one player stands out in my mind, one player who I desperately want to punch. They annoy, they hog the camera, they say stupid shit, and this is my way of rewarding (or punishing them), by awarding them the Greggy Award. The first Greggy goes to its namesake, Greg Buis. A man so retarded, the fact that he puts his shoes on right each day is an accomplishment.

End Of Season Thoughts:
Survivor Borneo is the season that started it all...and has aged horribly. It's still a fun season to watch, but a lot of seasons are better, and it's easy to see why. CBS really seemed to not know what should make it into the show and what shouldn't. As such, you get shots of people walking on a beach, people checking fish traps, people talking about stuff you don't care about, and it goes on and on. In addition, the cast is not one of the most interesting, with most of the Pagongs being more grating then entertaining.

The challenges also leave a lot to be desired, most of them being weird (like the final group immunity, an army obstacle course that seems designed so those doing it would be unable to work together). The rewards for reward challenges are also fairly stupid, giving us rewards like fresh fruit, a slice of pizza and a phone call home, and being taken to a bar to watch the first five minutes of the first episode of Survivor.

The music is also weird, including lyrical stuff (where a chorus says "Pause" several times). The opening credit montage also is a bit different from others. Usually, the opening credits just show pictures of the survivors with pictures of the environment, but for the first intro, they included the words MAROONED in flaming letters, and other super cheesy touches. As such, the intro is cheesy as hell, but I love it none the less.

Also for this season, we have a verb to add to the Survivor Lexicon: Pagonging. A Pagonging is when two tribes merge on equal, or greater numbers, and the stronger tribe picks off the weaker. Oddly, if Joel's idea had been embraced, this verb would be Tagid. Instead, it's Pagonging.

The first season of Survivor has not aged well, but is still responsible for a lot the things we would come to love about this series. Some of the little things Jeff Probst would eventually do started here, like his direct questions and his saying "The Tribe Has Spoken". While the show is a bit dull now, I recommend all see it. The father of reality television, and completely awesome.; Points: 46 5 comments