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Survivor: Marquesas

May 2, 2011 by srgeman

Oh boy, now we get to a season I do NOT want to talk about, Survivor Marquesas. Why? Simple, Survivor Marquesas is a very popular season. It's a season that got a lot of people into Survivor. It gave us the awesome of Boston Rob and Kathy Vaveric-O'Brien. It got the higher ratings them Survivor: Africa. But it's boring.

Oh good Lord is this season boring. A boring cast, a boring location, dull challenges, all of it painfully boring. This season has some how aged worst then the original season, which given that it comes AFTER the first season is impressive. I assume that this season is just so dull that it warps time.

The season begins with our two tribes being taken to the Marquesas islands on a fishing boat. We get lots of shots of them throwing up, because that's what Survivor needs more of, people throwing up. They're divided into two badly uneven tribes. In fact, we wont see a more uneven tribal division until Palau.

The Rotu tribe in highlighter blue consists of:

John Carol - The first in a looong string of players who are not as smart as they think they are.
Gabriel Cade - The first contestant from my home state NC. As such, he must be either crazy, an asshole, a moron, or all of the above.
Tammy Lietner - Hypocrite at large
Zoe Zanidakis - Extremely unpopular, no idea why, she reminds me of Lisi
Kathy Vaveric-O'Brien - I can not spell this woman’s last name
Paschal English - Who the hell names their child Paschal
Robert DeCanino - Who?
Neleh Dennis - Serious, who names their child Paschal?

The other tribe is Maraamu, in highlighter yellow. These losers consist of:

Patricia Jackson - The first of many mistake eliminations Maraamu made
Peter Harkey - This guy is so annoying he makes you want to hit him in the face
Gina Crews - The most popular player this season. Also nearly invisible
Hunter Ellis - When the first All-Stars season rolled around, a lot of people wanted him back. Why?
Rob Mariano - Ah yes, Boston Rob wearing his Red S...Eagles cap, playing with his showmance partner Amb....Sarah
Sarah Jones - The Patron saint of boob jobs
Vecipia Towery - Who? Really said that she was invisible given that she won
Sean Rector - Sean is black. If you forget that, don't worry. He never shuts the fuck up about it.

The two manage to paddle to their respective beaches. Rotu's beach has a waterfall, while Maraamu's has a shit ton of fruit. This was supposed to give each tribe an advantage/disadvantage, but it didn't really play out that way. Anyways, the Rotu's get to work immediately, with Kathy acting acquired and off putting.

The Maraamu's on the other hand do what they do all season, a half ass versioned of whatever Rotu does. They sit around most of the day being lazy, Sean thanks God, Vecipia thanks God, Peter talks about holes, and it's all so boring I honestly start to doze off.

I might as well talk about this now so I don't have too later, religion has no place in Survivor, or Survivor-type games. Games like this are based around lying, deception, and manipulation. Saying that you can do things like that, and then just ask God for forgiveness is like saying you have license to sin. I specifically avoided any mention of my religion on this site just so people WONT associate my lies with it. So seeing Vee and Sean acting like God has given them permission to act like hypocritical douche bags makes me ill to say the least. When you say God gave you the win, you're implying God loved you more then the other contestants. So please, leave God out of this.

Anyways, after all of that nothing, their is still more nothing happening! Neither of these teams really stick out, thus far the only memorable survivor on Rotu is Kathy, and she's memorable for being a fuck up. On Maraamu, more people are memorable, and again for being fuck ups.

Soon it's time for the first challenge, a near repeat of the first one on Borneo, won by Rotu. Get used to that, Rotu is going to win a lot. Only three tribes have won less then Maraamu, Ulong (who won no immunities and 3 rewards), Foa Foa (who won 1 immunity and 1 reward), and Ravu (who won 1 reward). In fact, until Ulong came along, Maraamu was considered the worst tribe on Survivor. That's gotta sting.

Anyways, this tribe is so disjointed that no real alliances have formed yet. Peter brings people over to talk about strategy in open forum, always a smart idea. His stupidity is his own fault, and his dumbass is quickly sent home. Maraamu chooses to keep Sarah, queen of the boob people, something that I attribute to their constant losses.

On Rotu people are working hard, finding food, and enjoying life. Kathy continues to be awkward, but manages to earn some points through things like finding food and peeing on John's hand after an urchin sting.

On Maraamu, the lazy people (Rob, Sean, and Sarah) out number the workers (Gina, Hunter, and Patricia) with Vee in the middle and voting with the lazy. Patricia has started bossing people around, which I would complain about but at least some one on Maraamu is doing something! Four of them are sitting on their asses. Their camp is in shambles, fruit rinds are everywhere, and they're getting eating by insects. But they're a happy, if dense, bunch.

In other news, Sean continues to embrace black stereo-types by being even lazier then Sarah and being whiney about it. He says he isn't going to kiss Hunter's butt, and does that by being a lazy whiner. Bravo.

The reward challenge rolls around, and Maraamu looses. Rotu wins swimming gear. It's boring, move on.

Rotu catches a pig, Gabe hurts Kathy's feelings, Tammy, Zoe, and Rob are there. It's dull, move on.

Meanwhile, Maraamu puts together a better shelter due to rain. Sarah whines that they didn't want to build a better shelter when she suggested it. I yell at my TV that she should have gotten off her silicon ass and done something about it.

Now it's time for immunity, and surprise surprise, it's a gross food challenge. This time they eat smelly pieces of fish, with Rotu winning in a tie breaker. Now, who lost the tie breaker? Weak willed Sarah? Nope! Boston Rob, a man in the prime of life and full of will power.

Maraamu looses and it's off to tribal council. If it seems like I don't care about any of this, I don't. I really don't like this season. Patricia is voted off for being older and bossy. Whatever.

As they go home Sarah whines that just because she doesn't do anything they consider her lazy and tried to vote her off. I'm amazed no one has stuck a fork into her nipples and deflated those two funbags, but whatever. Meanwhile on Rotu, Paschal and Neleh have a Rodger/Elizabeth relationship. I have no idea why and it wasn't mentioned before this episode. It's boring, move on.

The reward challenge involves building a raft, and this really highlights the difference between Rotu and Maraamu. At Rotu, Gabe immediately takes charge to build the raft, at Maraamu Hunter takes charge after a long time of no one taking over out of fear of being called bossy. Unsurprisingly, Rotu wins. The excitement just jumps off the screen.

Nothing of note happens till the immunity. People (mostly Sean and Sarah) whine, Maraamu claims this is a new beginning, Hunter is the leader now, and I fall asleep on top of my TV remote. When I wake up I have the imprint on my face.

The immunity challenge is a giant table maze with one person calling out directions. Somehow Maraamu manages to fuck even that up, and they're off to tribal council. Maraamu has to choose between voting off Gina, or their strongest member Hunter. Hunter gets voted off, and it's now that I notice he looks a lot like a Ken doll. Weird.

Anyways, all of Maraamu but Gina revel in their stupidity. Thankfully, the next day that all changes. They head off to tribal council expecting a reward challenge, and does anyone notice that the tribal council looks like a picnic area of a park? Come to think of it, the whole area looks like a national park. This location sucks.

Anyways, no challenge but a tribal shuffle. Kathy, Paschal, and Neleh end up on Maraamu, Vee, Rob, and Sean on Rotu. Gina immediately takes to the new workers of Maraamu while Sarah whines that having to do simple things like getting wood is to much work. I don't blame her, if she walks into a branch her boobs are going to start leaking. The Maraamu's go on a romp through the woods, and Sarah gets lost, showing us she is too stupid to walk.

Meanwhile at Rotu, Vee starts working hard (I'll talk more about this in my End Of Season Thoughts) though she does complain about it, while Rob and Sean whine. Rob calls John a big time homo and claims he has a small dick. What a guy. Sean states that he hears the Roots theme in his head, and he keeps looking to make sure "Master" isn't watching. Yes, Sean played the race card.

I have a black friend who asked for his name to be excluded from this entry. I showed him Sean, and asked his opinion, only to find out it matched with mine. Morons like Sean who play the race card deserve to be slapped, and cheapen the impact of the lives of people who overcame prejudice. Much like religion, don't play the race card on Survivor. I'll go into this more when we hit Redemption Island.

Rotu wins the next immunity challenge, what a shock, and Maraamu is off to tribal council. Sarah whines about various, boring things, mostly how Kathy is too bossy, and how Kathy deserves to go home. She is instead voted off, and I fall asleep again

After this, new Rotu decides that this is the beginning of a brand new day, and they're going to start winning challenges. Meanwhile at Rotu, we finally begin to see something from Gabe. And with that, please allow me to introduce you into a new segment of this blog.

Impressive Achievements In Human Stupidity:
Their seems to be an unwritten rule about Survivor, 9 out of 10 contestants from North Carolina will be stupid, psychotic, or an asshole. Gabe falls into the stupid category when he states he didn't want to win Survivor, but to build a new society! He wanted to see if eight people could really be stranded and build a perfect society together. I guess he's forgetting about the whole voting people off thing.

Anyways, Gabe's stupid drives John to form the Rotu 4 alliance with the other 3 members of Rotu, Tammy, Zoe, and Robert. Gabe talks about voting with the Maraamu’s, or not voting with them, and clearly doesn't care. Usually this wouldn't matter, but Maraamu does the unthinkable and wins both the reward challenge and immunity challenge. Rotu is finally off to tribal, where Gabe is voted out unanimously for being a moron.

At Maraamu, Kathy is still awkward, and Gina thinks she's gaining ground with Paschal and Neleh. Sure, you keep telling yourself that. Maraamu wins reward, looses immunity, sends Gina home, and I finally get to write about the merge. Thank fucking God.

On day 19, Rob and Kathy are sent out to be representatives of their tribes, sent to a neutral location to plan the merge. Gee, live at the dilapidated Maraamu camp, or live at the Rotu camp with tons of rewards and water. Despite spending all night at the neutral location, they make all their decisions instantly. They also get their magenta colored buffs, with strangely huge logo's on them. Weird.

The three Maraamu's get to meet the other 3 original Rotu's as all ten become Soliantu. Kathy and Rob have a kinda-sorta alliance, since Kathy is targeted by John, with Rob as the back up. At the immunity, Kathy wins, and Rob is sent home.

We finally get to what is agreed by fans and haters alike to be the high point of the season, episode eight. For the last three seasons, the merge has played out the same way, an alliance from one tribe has Pagonged the other tribe mercilessly.

Anyways, the episode begins with Sean farting, something he apparently has a problem with that hasn't been mentioned till now. Sean has become the target of the Rotu 4 because...I have no idea. Kathy is smarter, more likeable, and harder working, while Sean isn't. One thing of note is John brags a lot in this episode, most notably bragging that Neleh and Paschal are to stupid to turn on him and it's like having two free passes.

The reward challenge involves making and flying kites, and I must admit to enjoying this one. Much like the dance off in Fiji, I like challenges that are completely different then anything that's come before. Anyways, Kathy wins the kite-off, and her reward is to go on a boat cruise (and probably throw up) while eating a Snickers (which she will definitely throw up). She brings back the Snickers to camp, shares it with the group, and John still finds a way to act cocky about this. Ass.

Sean knows that his ass is on the line and decides he's going to try to win immunity. The challenge in question is the one where the entire game changes. It's a three-strike challenge, answer a question, give someone a hit. In this case, chop a rope holding up a bundle of coconuts.

Sean is the first one out, despite getting two right. Although John is eliminated early, the Rotu 4 rather clearly target Sean, Vee, Kathy, Paschal, and Neleh, eliminating them one by one. In addition, when Tammy wins the challenge, the 4 high five each other, way to be subtle guys.

This display of arrogance is what causes the other five to band together. At tribal council, despite Sean being the Rotu 4's target, John is sent to the jury.

After this, the other 4 are essentially on Survivor death row. Tammy is the target, but wins immunity again, and the nearly invisible Zoe home. Tammy looses next, and despite her and Robert sucking up to Paschal and Neleh, they're eliminated one after the other. If it seems like I'm rushing this, I really want to stop talking about this season.

Alright, the new five have done the impossible and eliminated the Rotu 4, and now we have a new problem. Paschal and Neleh will never vote against you. Sean will never vote against Vee. Vee will vote against Sean if the price is right. Kathy is in the middle. Sean wins the car at the reward challenge. So he's now doomed.

At the immunity, Kathy wins (guaranteeing that what happened to Christy and Dolly wont happen to her) and Sean won the car before, so he must go home. Kathy votes to eliminate Sean, and I'm amazed he doesn't yell out that it's all the white mans fault as he leaves. Whatever, take your lazy ass to the jury.

We now reach the final four. Incidentally, this final four is the first example of what I call a Marquesas final four, where two of the four are real well liked (Kathy and Paschal) and two are not (Vee and Neleh). Not only that, but the two unliked are the final two. We'll see this again when we reach Survivor: Exile Island.

The final four immunity challenge is a trivia about former castaways challenge. Vee being the only one smart enough to expect this had kept notes on every one of her fellow tribe mates. She wins immunity, and Kathy makes a deal, vote with Kathy and the two go to the end. They vote Neleh, cause a deadlock, and bring out the stupidest twist in Survivor until the infamous Have/Have Not.

The purple rock of death. The two people who have votes against them are immune, as does the person with immunity. Those who are left pick a rock, and if it's purple, they go home. Except, Paschal is the only one who can draw a purple rock, and with no votes Paschal is off to the jury. Wonderful. Incidentally they no longer do this at the final four because their is no way to do a fair purple rock. Their is no way to do one period I'd point out since the person who goes home isn't voted for, but fuck it, their show and their rules.

The final three immunity is the typical hands on a hard idol. After four hours, Kathy slips while fixing her bra, and immediately Vee makes a deal with Neleh. She'll jump off, Neleh votes Kathy. Neleh agrees, gets immunity, and Kathy, who came back from one of the worst introductions in Survivor history, is off to the jury. Well, I'm no longer bored, just pissed off.

The final tribal council of Marquesas is one of the most bitter the show has ever seen, with the bitterness coming from three of the Rotu 4. John blasts the two, demanding an apology for them having the audacity to play the game and vote him off. Tammy calls the two hypocrites and liars, yeah I'm sure that stings. Robert has no questions, instead wanting them to grovel, which they don't.

The jury votes, Vee wins with four votes to Neleh's three, and I finally get to leave Marquesas...on to Thailand. GAH!

The Greg Buis Memorial Chucklehead Award:
You could make an argument for EVERYONE, but I'm giving it to whoever implemented the purple rock of doom that sent Paschal home. That's such a stupid idea, I don't need to cover it any more.

End Of Season Thoughts:
I know a lot of people love Marquesas, but I am not one of them. This season is dull, frequently feeling like a weaker version of Survivor: Borneo. The island and cast repeatedly call to mind Borneo, with John as the poor man's Richard Hatch. Plus, we had a winner who was practically invisible.

That being said, Vee is good at Survivor. Damn good. She was a floater to be sure, but she was never the target. At Maraamu she was lazy, Rotu she was hard working, and she jumped alliances so often I couldn't keep track of her. While she was always with Sean, I don't doubt she would have pitched him if she had too. Vee may be a hypocrite, but she deserves some kudos for her game play.

Survivor: Marquesas is serviceable, but boring. Nothing about it aside from the turn around in episode eight is memorable. It's all got that been there, done that feeling. In addition to the dull cast, you get a yawner of a season. I wish I could say it gets better, but next time we take a look at the disaster that is Survivor: Thailand.

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wow long

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i love these

Sent by GHunt,May 2, 2011

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Survivor: Marquesas

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