A woman goes to her boyfriend’s parents’ house for Sunday dinner.
This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous.
They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.
The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart. It wasn’t loud, but everyone at the table heard the poof.
Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend’s father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing under the woman’s chair, and said in a rather stern voice, “Skippy!”.
The woman thought, “This is great!” and a big smile came across her face. A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn’t even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer rrrrrip.
The father again looked at the dog and yelled, “Dammit Skippy!”.
Once again the woman smiled and thought “Yes!” A few minutes later the woman had to let another rip. This time she didn’t even think about it. She let a fart rip that rivaled a train whistle blowing.
Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, “Dammit Skippy, get away from her, before she shits all over you!”
A man is dating three women and wants to decide which to marry. He decides to give them a test. He gives each of the women a present of $5000 and watches to see what they do with the money.
The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much. The man was impressed.
The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much. Again, the man is impressed.
The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much. Obviously, the man was impressed.
The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money, and then he married... The one with the largest breasts.
A teacher forwarded this list of comments from test papers, essays, etc., submitted to science and health teachers by elementary, junior high, high school, and college students. As she noted, “It is truly astonishing what weird science our young scholars can create under the pressures of time and grades.”
“H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water”
“When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide”
“Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.”
“Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars.”
“Blood flows down one leg and up the other.”
“Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration.”
“Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull.”
“A super saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.”
“Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.”
“The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to.”
“A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars, and eight cuspidors.”
“Equator: A managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa.”
“Germinate: To become a naturalized German.”
“Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away.”
“Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives.”
“To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.”
“For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower then the body until the heart stops.”
“To keep milk from turning sour: Keep it in the cow.”
Two guys were in a bar watching the television when the news came on. It showed a guy on a bridge that was about to jump, obviously suicidal. “I’ll bet you $10 he’ll jump,” said the first guy.
“Bet you $10 he won’t,” replied the second. Then, the guy on the television closed his eyes and threw himself off the bridge. The second guy hands the first his money.
“I can’t take your money,” said the first guy. “I cheated you. The same story was on the five o’clock news.”
“No, no. Take it,” said the second guy. “I saw the five o’clock news too. I just didn’t think the guy was dumb enough to jump again!”
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define “great” he said, “I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!”
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.
ATTRACTION: The act of associating horniness with a particular person.
EASY: A term used to describe a woman who has the sexual morals of a man.
EYE CONTACT:A method utilized by one person to indicate that they are interested in another. Despite being advised to do so, many men have difficulty looking a woman directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman’s eyes are not located in her chest.
IRRITATING HABIT: What the endearing little qualities that initially attract two people to each other turn into after a few months together.
