The rumors were true, I was pregnant. But that's okay I don't care, I used my belly as a table to hold my wine and cigarettes. Oh and by the way, I'm vegan now. Well, if you don't count unborn babies!!
A CHLORINE STICK + WATERHOSE! (And a portugal man's porcupine)
This was a doozy, this incident happened together on the same day so I am including it all in one post. It was 4th grade, the second year after I was held back the first time. I really wanted this girl that went to my school's necklace, it had some like fancy jewelry and Saint Mary on it. So I slept with her father who was an illegal immigrant man from Portugal to get it. Later that day I was going past the mirror to look at the beautiful necklace I had now obtained, and I see some bumps on my lip... Which I remember could have been from that man, since he wasn't well cleaned and bumps like that are usually caused by herpes or an STD.
I couldn't tell my mom or anyone that I slept with this man so I kept thinking and thinking on what to do and finally remembered something. To clean a pool you have to put chlorine sticks in there to disinfect it. So I could put a chlorine stick in 'my pool'. I ran down the street, jump and scratching my cooter because now I feel I have some itching going down there. I finally get to the pool supply store run in look for the chlorine sticks, they come in one inch or three inch so I go with the three inch because I have a big ole possum and I really need a lot of disinfectant. So I go up to the guy at the pay area and I realize I forgot my money! The man clearly see's this and says "You're gonna have to give me something" and then I start questioning his intentions because I didn't want to have to prostitute for a second time today, but then he follows up with "I want that bejwelled Saint Mary necklace you're wearing." so it's an emergency, I'd rather be STD clean and stop the itching then the necklace which got me here and the first place, so I reluctantly give him the necklace.
Now I have the three inch chlorine tablets, I run into the Pool Supply place storage room, unzip my jeans and shove a chlorine stick in there. The itching goes away and instead a SEVERE burning starts, like twin towers falling down on fire burning feeling. I run out of there past the pool supply guy screaming "WHERE'S THE WATERHOSE?" while dropping the opened chlorine tablet's out of the box and scratching my possum. He points me to outside, and just says "wow wtf" and watches as I run out.
So here I am on the street outside the pool supply place, jeans unzipped, with cars going by, turning on the waterhose and sticking it up in there WITH the chlorine tablet. My possum is not, pumped, it's on fire. I have never felt pain like this before. Honestly I think burned a layer of skin off and that's probably why I had the odors in there which made me stick candles in it (TOP TEN THINGS I'VE STUCK IN MY VAGINA #8 for that story).
While I am out there with cold water running up my vagina from a waterose and cars are going by staring and honking, my mother comes up and drives me straight to the hospital "for a mental check-up" and there I also get some other tests done for STD's and the sorts. Turn out I must have got that chlorine stick up there in time because I WAS CLEAN! No STD's for me bitch!!
And when I mean a yard stick I mean a stick that came from my yard, not like one of those measuring ones (But i have tried sticking one of those up there before, but it's not a top ten).
So my friends Courtney (Yes the same courtney with the french fry story) and Bethany were out camping in the backyard, and this was during the time I was in private school, my family was putting all their faith into me getting a good standing in life so all the money went to that school instead of a house. So basically we didn't live in a good neighborhood, it was really trashy. My friend brings up the french fry incident that happened a few months back from this time and I replied "I can stick a lot more then a french fry up in there now" so Courtney laughed thinking I was joking. But the thing was I wasn't at all, they kept insisting I couldn't stick anything bigger in there, so I said "Bitch it's bigger than a watermelon" which that was a bit of a lie, but I wanted to prove it, so I walked out of the tent and was looking for a item to shove in there. I finally found a stick it had some moss and that green fungus stuff on it but I brushed it off.
I pull my jeans on down and start wedging it in there and I hear some steps from the woods area, but granted I don't have a phone or a flashlight to light anything up since I couldn't afford a phone until I was 17 due to my private school's tuition taking up all my Gs. So I finally get it in there good, stick all up in my cooter, I turn around to start heading back to the tent. When I get closer and I can see a brighter glimpse into the forest there I see a HOMELESS MAN WAS WATCHING ME THE WHOLE TIME. Like I just wanted to point out that I was not doing anything vulgar at that time, it was just to proove the point of that I have a big ole watermelon vag, and can fit damn near a steam train in there. So I run back in the tent and show them that I stuck the stick all the way in. Bethany was so shocked and jealous she called me "a strange perverted bitch". Then Courtney ran out of the tent and said "I betcha I can fit a rake."
She never came back that night, but she told me years later it was because she was out there in a crackhouse having sex with that homeless man.
This was a couple months back in May this year. Me and my ex boyfriend, we will call him Trey were going on a date, watching netflix at his house, so my dumbass missed the memo of "Netflix & Chill" and forgot my 'toys' at home, (Trey had a real small dick so you know with all the things I've stuck in there I need something huge.) so Trey mentions "There is a pizza place down the road if you want to order something to eat." With my previous experience I know exactly what he is thinking, he wants me to go by some stick like things at the pizza place for my vag.
I get down the street to the little caesar's walk in and start ordering crazy bread, it makes me so hot in the possum that I can't even wait, my legs are dripping with sweat from the excitement, i'm damn near falling down in the middle of the building, I'd describe it as "I was so moist I could hydrate a whole african tribe". I got my crazy bread and couldn't even wait, I knew Trey would love it if I walked in WITH some crazy bread already in my possum. So I rush to the little caesar's bathroom, undress, pop that crazy bread stick in, and put my clothes on, you could kinda see an outline of the breadstick through my pants but not that much, but enough to get some weird looks at the people standing in line as I walked out.
I get back to Trey's apartment, barely make it up the steps because i'm walking with the damn crazy stick inside of me, when I finally get there I open the door to see him still watching netflix, with the door still wide open I drop my jeans and scream "I GOT SOMETHING HOT AND READY FOR YA" he looks at me with his mouth wide open (kinda like he was at the dentist) and says "Where's the pizza?" he didn't give a damn about my cooter, I go over to kiss him and HE SHOVES ME AWAY AND TELLS ME TO GET OUT. what a cunt. Turns out, he was gay and it wasn't a date. Glad I didn't bring them toys then...
Lets get this blog over 300+! Tomorrow #6 on the list will be released! Make sure to ask to be tagged if you want.
Ever since I was like 12 I had some really strong odors always from my vagina, I thought it was normal until one day people kept asking me "What part of you was stinking?" and things like "Can you get away from me... or take a bath" and I knew it was my pussy smell that was causing people to back away from me, so when I was 17, I decided to take one of my grandma's scented candles, it was Dark Raspberry, and just stick it in my 'dark raspberry'. It was more to get rid of the smell this time then for fun. So I kept it in there for a few hours to really get the scent around inside of me.
Once I left my room and went out on a walk in the town a lot of people didn't move away from me, and they seemed to enjoy the scent. So that made me really happy, but a few months later of me sticking the scented candles in me I would start feeling an itching and burning feeling in my cooter, so naturally I went straight to the doctor, he asked if I was sticking any "foreign objects" in that cavity, which I answered "oh yes, some scented candles and other objects" which he asked to examine it, it made me so uncomfortable I just QUEEFED right when he was examining it, and he just looked up and said "Dark Raspberry?" and I was stunned at how everyone must have knew I was sticking dark raspberry candles in my pussy the previous months.
The burning went away when I found out it was just a few candle wicks stuck inside there. But yeah that ranks #8 on the list!
Tomorrow I will post #7 in the "TOP TEN THINGS I'VE STUCK IN MY VAGINA" series.
A CHLORINE STICK + WATERHOSE! (And a portugal man's porcupine)
A YARD STICK
LITTLE CAESAR'S CRAZY BREAD STICKS!
SCENTED CANDLES!